It’s such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
—David St. Hubbins

The New York Times reported this weekend on a terrible threat growing beyond American shores. Imagine being blindfolded, your hearing blocked by consciousness-altering sounds. Then chemicals are sprayed in your face while you are fed drugs through a tube. And this sort of treatment is going on openly in the largest city of our staunch ally, Australia! Nancy Pelosi, save us all!
OK, maybe it isn’t that bad.
This situation was brought to my attention by the venerable New York Times. The Zeta Bar is an establishment in Sydney that in most ways looks like the kind of awesome cocktail bar that folks in my fly-over neck of the American woods can only dream jealously about. They do all sorts of fabulous molecular mixology, as well as classic cocktails spectacularly presented, all in what looks to be a pretty kicking environment. Had I not discovered them via the Times article, the only thing that would have given me pause is the fact that they brag that their staff is “dressed by internationally acclaimed Australian fashion designer, Tina Kalivas.” I’m not sure I want to go drink someplace where the staff is probably better dressed than I am. Just saying.
What does an awesome cocktail lounge have to do with the experience I outlined at the beginning? Behold the latest brainchild of Zeta, the Virtual Cocktail. Lest you think my description of the experience is over the top, here’s a picture.

The cocktail experience pictured here is the Tiki. The rum-based recipe is given in the Times article, but what matters is the rest. You are literally blindfolded and secluded. You are given an iPod with (I surmise) beach music playing, and drink your tiki drink from a whole pineapple while they spray what (smells) like Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil over your face.
In theory, it is a brilliant idea. Sounds and smells are powerfully evocative senses. Combine them with taste, and cut off that inconvenient sight, and you should be able to transport yourself as requested. I’ll bet it works, too.
As my man St. Hubbins says, there’s such a fine line between….
Bars are social environments, folks. You go there to see, be seen, talk, and (if the music isn’t too frickin’ loud) listen. If you want to drink alone, do it at home. It’ll cost less, and the inevitable slide into alcoholism won’t bother others. Why would you want to go out to a bar with friends, a spouse, or to the finest point, a date, and then go sit in a booth and listen to eighteen minutes of cuban music by yourself with your Daiquiri? And with the blindfold, you can’t even see the staff in their Tina Kalivas originals!
Besides, if this catches on, you know where it’s going to end up….

Now don’t get me wrong, the idea of adding other sensory components to cocktails is a good one. I’d make the case that its been going on for over a century, in the form of garnish. On a larger scale, you could use the idea to enhance your tiki bar. Try some sand on the floor, subtle ocean noises under the music, and a tang of salt in the air. Larger establishments could modify different areas of the bar to enhance certain drink styles. Serve Cuban drinks in the cigar room. Try celtic music, dark fragrant leather, and dart boards in the whisk(e)y room. Most bars couldn’t do it, but who cares?
A cocktail is just a cocktail, folks. It can be a thirst quencher. It can be a social lubricant. It can even be a tiny, ephemeral work of art. But it should never expand or be expanded to blot out the world around you. The consequences are just a bit creepy.