OK kiddies, it is Election Day here in the good ol’ US of A. It is time to refresh the world’s greatest and most successful democracy through the simple act of going to the polls with your neighbors and casting your ballot for the next President. And your district’s Congressman. And the next Mayor. And the County Treasurer. And in those three uncontested races for Judges of the Court of Common Pleas. Not to mention Initiatives concerning slot machines in nursing homes and the tax hike on pet licenses. So get out there and vote (once please). The civilization you save could be your own!
Then, when all is said and done, and we sit down to watch the results of our collective national labors, we will need a drink. Perhaps many.
I therefore advance to you all, the Official Pegu Blog 2008 Election Night Returns Drinking Game.
The rules are simple. All events require at least one tot of whatever beverage you have chosen as your base. Some events will be multiplied for one party or the other. Other events are especially significant and will require participants to step up from their usual drink to shots of Bourbon, Scotch, or other
Brown Liquors. If you start out this game with Brown Liquor, may God have mercy on your soul!
- 1 drink for each use of the word
- 1 drink for each use of the words
- 1 drink every instance that they fill time by starting a post-mortem before the election is called.
(2 drinks if it is before any states have been called.)
- 1 drink for each conversation about how
historicthis all is.
(2 drinks if they throw in
the mostas well. This option not recommended by your liver if watching MSNBC.)
5 drinks if any third party candidate is mentioned other than when showing the vote total screens.
- 1 drink each time the slightest disappointment for Obama is blamed on Racism.
- 1 drink each time the slightest disappointment for McCain is blamed on Palin.
- 1 drink each time a
camera hoganchor gloats about how it is going to be a long night.
(2 drinks if some anchor gets loose with some Ratherism like
tighter than a tick.)
(I don’t know if he’ll be on anywhere, but 3 drinks if Dan Rather himself does so.)
- 1 drink for each state that is projected.
(2 drinks if less than 10% of the vote has been counted. 3 drinks if the projected loser is ahead in the actual vote totals at the time.)
- 1 drink for each time the news tells you piously that they won’t be revealing any nasty, unreliable exit poll information.
(2 drinks if they then immediately follow this with information that could only have come from those same, unreliable exit polls)
- 2 drinks each time a projected state is sheepishly unprojected.
(Obama supporters take 3 drinks if this happens in Virginia)
(McCain supporters take 3 drinks of Brown Liquor if this happens to any state called for your guy.)
- 2 drinks for each projection that is a genuine surprise. (e.g. Florida for Obama, or Pennsylvania for McCain)
- 1 drink for every Senate or Congressional seat that switches parties.
(2 drinks for every Democratic seat so lost.)
- 1 drink for each emergency lawsuit filed.
- 1 drink for each mention of voting irregularities and ACORN, DIEBOLD, or Jennifer Brunner.
- 2 drinks when you first hear,
It looks as if
will be this election’s Florida (or Ohio).
(3 drinks if that state is Florida again.)
(10 drinks of Brown Liquor if they mean it in the sense of Florida 2000.)
- 1 drink for each use of the phrase
too close to call.
- 1 drink for each mention of Joe the Plumber.
(2 drinks if someone tries (and inevitably fails) to pronounce his actual name)
- 1 drink for each sentence containing the phrases
- 1 drink for each discussion of Sarah Palin’s 2012 presidential campaign.
(Drink all the alcohol on Earth at each mention of Joe Biden’s 2012 presidential campaign)
- 1 drink for each pointless military metaphor.
- 1 drink for each pointless sports metaphor.
- 1 drink for each time an anchor congratulates a reporter on what a great job he or she is doing.
- 1 drink for the phrase
- 1 drink for the phrase
- 1 drink for each mention of a filibuster-proof majority.
- 1 drink if anyone mentions anything nasty about Bush.
(2 drinks if anyone says anything genuinely nice about him.)
- Finish your drink if your guy is projected the winner.
- Finish the Brown Liquor if your guys is projected the loser.
At the first mention of the word
Recount, put down the drinks and send a designated driver out to stock up on canned goods and batteries.
OK. On looking back on this list, I am struck by two things:
- It is certainly incomplete. Help me out with some additional entries
- It is also already long. Better make those drinks into sips!