OK, it is Christmas time once again, and I’ll be doing a lot of posts on gift ideas for the
alcoholics sophisticated drinkers on your list in the coming days. This morning, since I want to waste some valuable time that I should be spending arranging a few important murders, I’ll point you to the annual holiday gift list from former Miami Herald humorist, Dave Barry. Dave doesn’t write a regular column any more, and I think that you should write your congressman and senators, asking them to mandate that he get his lazy, semi-retired ass back to work. They will merely pat you on the head and say that they’ll look into it, and do nothing but send you a few thousand fund-raising letters. But if they did require him to reinstate his regular column, it would be the first really sensible action cobbled together by Congress since the Repeal of Prohibition.
Anyway, here is a link to Dave Barry’s 2009 Gift Guide. The list is
exhaustive, er extensive, er 11 items long, but I will rip off, er highlight a few items here that wold be of most interest to my readers.
Three of Dave’s ideas this year are booze-related, which may give you an idea of what he has been up to when he should have been writing a regular dose of ha ha for me! One item is the Golf Club Drink Dispenser. This is a 48 ounce thermos that is shaped like a driver with a 3″ wide shaft. I’ve seen these before from Hammacher-Schlemmer, but now they are available from a company called Lakeside. No matter where you get it, my opinion of this product has remained unchanged over the years. It is a fabulous idea that makes no sense at all. Despite having played countless hours of golf as a youth (or perhaps because of that), I share Twain’s opinion of the game as “a good walk, spoiled.” To which I add: Since we have golf carts now, you don’t even get the good walk. Why on Earth would you want to get rid of the opportunity for the one redeeming grace of golf: Flagging down the cute beer cart girl? (Beer cart girl not available as holiday gift item)
Another item Dave has found for this year is the Wine Glass Holder Necklace (pictured here in just the circumstance you want to see it employed).
I’ll leave it for you to visit Dave’s article to read the excellent and practical list of things you can do with your free hands while employing this handy device, and merely point out here the perfect new name he comes up with for the snobby wine lover you meet who does not properly appreciate the superiority of cocktailia: The “Wineophile”.
You can get a set of two of these necklaces from the Wine Enthusiast, and honesty compels me to note that they would likely work for cocktail glasses, too.
The last booze related item swerves back to Dave’s comfort zone. It is called the Beer Pager. This little piece of genius is an insulated beer coozy with an added feature. Should you forget where you set down your beer, you can press the button on your remote, and the coozy will buzz and light up, just like those pagers you get while you wait interminably for a table at Applebee’s. Dave has a variety of insights on this product, but misses one use that I think would be excellent for men who, unlike myself, are unmarried. You could leave the thing near where hot chicks congregate. You then repair to some form of hunting blind, and when appropriate prey nears it, you activate the pager and arrive to retrieve your beer, with a ready-made conversation starter dancing madly on the table beside them. I can only assume that this would not work for Dave, since drinking beer apparently in his case means misplacing your pants.
The Pegu Blog does not recommend trying to pick up women without pants on, unless you are a very special individual….
Dave’s research assistant Judy also apparently likes beer (lots of it), since she told him that the Beer Pager is available at Amazon.com. It is not. You can get it from the inventors at their own website, though.
I’ll leave you with this final comment. I actually own one of the other items featured on Dave’s list this year. Can you guess which one?