Category - Bartenders

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The Academic-Cocktail Joke Nexus
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Negroni Week is Half Over! What Are You Waiting For?
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The Cocktailosphere Has A New YouTube Darling
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SideBlog: Cocktail Competition Genius

The Academic-Cocktail Joke Nexus

Via @BenK84 this morning, I discovered a wonderful Reddit thread containing all sorts of academic-related jokes. As a bonus, most of them are really funny.

As another bonus, I learned that in academic humor today, mathematicians occupy the same role that polish folk did in low-brow humor about fifty years ago. As you can read in these three jokes from the very top of the thread, the chief difference is that mathematicians likely deserve the “honor”…

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying overnight in a hotel. During the night a fire breaks out. The engineer wakes up, walks out into the hallway, and sees the fire. The engineer grabs a fire extinguisher and puts the fire out.
Later that night the fire breaks out again, but this time the physicist wakes up. The physicist walks out into the hallway and sees the fire. After calculating ambient temperature and air pressure, the physicist puts out the fire.
Later that night, the mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoldering embers. The mathematician walks out into the hall, and thinks for a minute. The mathematician then rekindles the fire from the embers, and goes back to bed satisfied that the problem has been reduced to a previously solved one.

A guy greeted his mathmetician friend at an airport, after catching up he said “So how did you get over your fear of flying?” The mathmetician responded “Well as you know I’m scared senseless of the thought of a terrorist being onboard, the chances of that happeneing are 1/10000 and I dont like those odds, so I merely put the odds in my favour” The guy asked “How did you do that?” The mathmetician opened his briefcase revealing a bomb, “The chances of two terrorists being on board a plane are 1/10000000″

Doug, why are you telling math jokes on your cocktail blog?
The drunks that visit here will all be confused.

Because there are also some great jokes about scientists, and especially mathematicians, walking into a bar.

An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After the 7th order the bartender pours 2 beers and says, “you fellas ought to know your limits.”

Give yourself an extra day to pay off your student loans if you got that one!

The thread of replies to these jokes are often beautiful, too. For example, in response to this joke, we get a normal person’s version of the joke:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer, and the bartender tells him that you can’t order half a beer.

And, since many bartenders are terribly over-educated and understand and enjoy this sort of nonsense themselves, here is a real bartender’s version of the joke:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After the 7th order the bartender says, “fuck off you little pricks.”

OK. I just wanted to share some ha ha today. Go back about your business.

And one last one for the road, to make sure you know the jokes at the thread cover all genres: “Your momma is so mean, she has no standard deviation.”

Negroni Week is Half Over! What Are You Waiting For?

Negroni Week: A Drink for Your Cause
Negroni Week is half over already. Have you had your Negroni today?

Sponsored by Campari, Negroni Week is one of the better organized and widespread bartend-for-charity events I’ve seen so far. Participating bars will donate one dollar for every Negroni (or Negroni variant) you drink this week to the charity of that bar’s choice. For a listing of bars near you, and the charities each is supporting, visit Negroni Week’s list of nearly 1,300 worldwide. Don’t worry, there’s a geographical filter. I’m proud to say that Central Ohio has almost twenty places to get your Negroni on for charity.

A good many people, including a lot of fairly avid cocktail drinkers, don’t really know just what the hell a Negroni is. In fact, the bar world seems to be split into two distinct camps, What the Heck is a Negroni? and How Can You Not Know the Negroni? Let’s see if I can flip a few of you, dear readers, from Column A to B.

The Negroni is one of the big magilla early Twentieth Century cocktails. Invented at the request of Italian Count Camillo Negroni by Fosco Scarselli, it is a classic three-ingredient drink, and it is as easy to make as it is challenging to drink. Here’s the recipe:
Classic Negroni

NEGRONI

  • 1 part London Dry Gin (Choose a classic, juniper-forward brand)
  • 1 part Italian Vermouth
  • 1 part Campari

Combine ingredients (typically one ounce per serving) in a mixing glass with ice and stir well until completely chilled. Strain into an Old-Fashioned glass with large, fresh ice. Garnish with your most elegant orange peel presentation.

I say the Negroni is challenging to drink because it is when you are not used to it. Some of the bittering agents in Campari are unique, at least to my palate, and I find it a difficult ingredient to work with, as opposed to many other amari. Plenty of other people just love Camapri to death, so your mileage will vary. In the past, I found the classic recipe above to be hard to enjoy.

Bitter and stirred types, please be aware that Doug is a Bitter Wimp!

I am not a bitter wimp! Um… but I do tend to prefer drinks where the bittering is there to enhance the other flavors, rather than being the dominant player. In the Negroni, the Campari is the primary spirit, with the gin and vermouth as modifiers.

Curio Negroni Week Kickoff Party
But do not give up on the Negroni, fellow not-bitter wimps. The great value of Negroni Week for me has been how it has opened up my eyes to the world of Negroni variants. I started off with a visit to Columbus’s premier craft bar, Curio, for a pre-Negroni Week kickoff. There they debuted their Negroni Week menu of five Negronis.

I will mention two of them in particular; both of which were delicious, and both of which would make a fine entry point into the Negroni arena.
Beet Negroni, inspired by the mad scientists at Curio at Harvest
The first is a Beet Negroni, with fresh beet-infused vermouth. I found, after first experimenting with them as a joke in other concoctions, that beets are really a pretty interesting cocktail ingredient. In the case of this cocktail, the earthiness mellows out the impact of the bitterness nicely, but it also damps down the clarity of the gin a bit.
Sparkling Negroni, from the wizards at Curio at Harvest
The second one that I particularly liked (I tried them all), was the Sparkling Negroni, which is merely the classic recipe with an added 2/3 part sparkling wine, served in a champagne flute rather than over the rocks. This is an excellent drink all by itself, and an excellent way to temper your palate in preparation for the classic Negroni. It sweetens the profile of the drink without tipping it over, yet still leaves the rest of the flavors clear and distinct and in their original harmony.

The rest of this week is a great time for you to visit your nearby serious cocktail joint discover the Negroni. Many have their own variants for you to try if you feel a little hesitant about diving into the big, bold, bitter original. But make sure you try at least on of the original before your experiments are done. I’ve found the classic version of the Negroni to be a heckuva lot of fun. With the right gin, and a good sweet vermouth like Antica, it is a marvelously balanced, refreshingly bright aperitif. It is still bitter as hell, but with only a little acclimation of your taste buds it becomes readily apparent why this is one of The Classics.

The Cocktailosphere Has A New YouTube Darling

JaNee Nisonger, "LA's Hottest Bartender"
The Cocktailosphere has a new instructional YouTube video favorite, JaNee Nisonger of Maholo.com. Sometimes it takes a while for us to discover the greatness in these kind of videos. It took nearly a year before our prior guru from the American Bartending School, and his special garnish Daiquiri was discovered and brought to us by Jeff Morganthaler. In this case, JaNee’s work has been languishing in relative obscurity for almost four years, until it’s sudden notoriety this week. I’ve seen this 1st video being passed around by everyone in my FaceBook and Twitter feeds from USBG members to an Irish priest Notre Dame law professor.

Without further ado, let me present How to Make an Old-Fashioned:

I learned a lot from this video…

  1. Either sugar cubes or simple syrup will make a drink sweeter than the other one will. Which one, I didn’t catch.
  2. Using simple syrup instead of sugar cubes will make your finished drink “more liquidy”.
  3. Use “orange slice wedges”. More on this in a bit.
  4. Professional bartenders should use huge wooden spoons to muddle with.
  5. Be sure to use the special invisible Angostura Bitters that cannot be seen coming out of the bottle, even in extreme closeup.
  6. Use a glass as your ice scoop.
  7. “Three ounces” of bourbon will completely fill a pint glass.
  8. In other news, serve your Old-Fashioneds in pint glasses! (Perhaps you should also have this website engraved on the inside bottom of the glass)
  9. An Old-Fashioned is kind of like a Manhattan, but the orange makes it even better.
  10. To mix your Old-Fashioned, pour it back and forth between your pint glass serving vessel and your glass ice scoop which, by the way, isn’t large enough to hold it all. This allows you to make the required “messes all over the place”.
  11. Your finished drink should not fill your glass anymore, making it look like the bartender took a hearty slug or three for themselves before handing it over.

“Orange slice wedges”? This is what happens when you have an actress read a script, and she finds herself confronted with props that don’t match her lines. Yes, she is an actress. She was a bartender in LA, of course she’s an actor too. Here’s her IMDB page to prove it. Read it all. She also appears to have taken a shot at a country music career.

She also has a Masters Degree in education, and I imagine she’s since the time of this video moved on to a high school teaching something other than mixology.

My point in all the biographical info is to remind people that I’m having fun with this, but this train wreck of a video series was no fault of hers. Don’t blame her.

And yes, it is a series of videos, not just this one.
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SideBlog: Cocktail Competition Genius

Cocktail Competition Genius. Bert Jachmann from Wein, Austria brilliantly solves the conundrum of how to make and use a hot infusion while under the time constraints of a cocktail competition.

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