Category - Bartenders

SideBlog: Moral of the Story….
I Could Browse This Chinese Cocktail Site All Day
The Bartender Singularity Takes a Creepy Turn
The Academic-Cocktail Joke Nexus

SideBlog: Moral of the Story….

The moral of the story: If your bartender is hearing voices… order a beer… in an unopened can. Deranged bartender planned to poison House Speaker John Boehner’s cocktails.

I Could Browse This Chinese Cocktail Site All Day

Sip Summer Cup | DRiNK MagazineIt is amazing what you can find through a broken link. I was clearing my old open browser tabs, and stopped to look closer at a post I’ve had open for about a fortnight now. It is a Sploid piece on bartender Takumi Watanabe making a wood-smoked Rum Martinez.

Sploid does some really nice GIF highlights of embedded videos.

But Sploid isn’t the site I want to direct you to. A broken link in their post sent me to the online portal of “Drink, China’s leading bar industry magazine”. Drink’s post on the Rum Martinez has been taken down, but I took a second to visit the home page, and wow. There is a serious collection of lovely drinkpron here. The site is multilingual, with both English and Chinese, and the English translation is fairly legible to boot.

The videos are extensive and very well made. It being China, I can’t vouch for them all exactly belonging to Drink, if you get my IP-obsessed drift, but the collection is impressive. They use China’s YouTube ripoff, so it took me a few minutes to figure out how to include any here.

To give you an example, I’ll embed this one, the Sip Summer Cup, an apparent “brand ambassador type” cocktail that features Sipsmith Summer Cup, a Pimm’s competitor that I’ve never seen before. Everything about this video is perfect, from the sushi-style ingredient prep, to the ice, to the jiggering, to one last detail….

Did you get the last detail? The bartender uses an alternate technique that I had never seen for one of the most important steps in making a Craft cocktail. I think it is superior to ours, and I’m stealing it when it applies. What do you think?

The Bartender Singularity Takes a Creepy Turn

The face of the Bartender Singularity…?

No, not the black hole kind of singularity, but the kind of singularity where humans produce a machine that does a job indistinguishably from humans, or even better. The mighty Instapundit loves to point out every example of a nascent singularity that he can find, or pretend to find. Me, I confine myself to cheerfully threatening my bartender friends with every mechanized example of bartending equipment I see as if it is the impending Bartender Singularity. Further, I’ve noticed a trend that said Bartender Singularity seems to often come with an extra layer of sexually-tinged (or -slathered) creepiness. It has lead me to expect that when a real singularity does arrive, it will be wearing leather….

We are not even close yet, in the real world, but, well, the next step is upon us…. and it wears leather. Or lace. You know, user customization is all the rage these days.

Japanese sex-doll maker Orient-Industry (link is NSFW) is demonstrating a modification to one of their popular models of $7,500 realistic latex sex dolls that turns “her” into a drink dispenser called Party Doll. One is pictured atop this post. Though she would not be dressed like that while in operation.

Yes folks, Japan remains the clubhouse leader in global, perverted weirdness. And it does so with products like this. I almost don’t want to describe how you operate the Party Doll, but in the interests of Journalistic Integrity™, I must. Also, in case you do not want to click the link below to watch the embedded video, you need to know what you are missing. To get your drink (I think “she” only makes one recipe), you hold your glass underneath one nipple, while you massage the other breast until your glass is full.
Yup. They went there.

Click for embedded NOT Safe for Work Video
No, really. It is not safe for work!

Got that? Did you watch the whole unnecessarily long thing? Good. Now remember that most bartenders are male, and let your imagination marinate in that set of pleasant imagery of our inevitable future.

You are welcome.

To wrap up, I’m glad we can all agree that real bartenders have little to fear from the Party Doll, but….

Wait a minute, Doug!
I don’t mean to pry, but just how in hell did you run across this particular product?
I mean, what dark alley of the internet were you Googl….

Oh! Thanks for the reminder! A post like this definitely needs a hat tip to my source, SPLOID! There, you can thank the Gawker family of sites for your nightmares, bartenders!

The Academic-Cocktail Joke Nexus

Via @BenK84 this morning, I discovered a wonderful Reddit thread containing all sorts of academic-related jokes. As a bonus, most of them are really funny.

As another bonus, I learned that in academic humor today, mathematicians occupy the same role that polish folk did in low-brow humor about fifty years ago. As you can read in these three jokes from the very top of the thread, the chief difference is that mathematicians likely deserve the “honor”…

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying overnight in a hotel. During the night a fire breaks out. The engineer wakes up, walks out into the hallway, and sees the fire. The engineer grabs a fire extinguisher and puts the fire out.
Later that night the fire breaks out again, but this time the physicist wakes up. The physicist walks out into the hallway and sees the fire. After calculating ambient temperature and air pressure, the physicist puts out the fire.
Later that night, the mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoldering embers. The mathematician walks out into the hall, and thinks for a minute. The mathematician then rekindles the fire from the embers, and goes back to bed satisfied that the problem has been reduced to a previously solved one.

A guy greeted his mathmetician friend at an airport, after catching up he said “So how did you get over your fear of flying?” The mathmetician responded “Well as you know I’m scared senseless of the thought of a terrorist being onboard, the chances of that happeneing are 1/10000 and I dont like those odds, so I merely put the odds in my favour” The guy asked “How did you do that?” The mathmetician opened his briefcase revealing a bomb, “The chances of two terrorists being on board a plane are 1/10000000″

Doug, why are you telling math jokes on your cocktail blog?
The drunks that visit here will all be confused.

Because there are also some great jokes about scientists, and especially mathematicians, walking into a bar.

An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After the 7th order the bartender pours 2 beers and says, “you fellas ought to know your limits.”

Give yourself an extra day to pay off your student loans if you got that one!

The thread of replies to these jokes are often beautiful, too. For example, in response to this joke, we get a normal person’s version of the joke:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer, and the bartender tells him that you can’t order half a beer.

And, since many bartenders are terribly over-educated and understand and enjoy this sort of nonsense themselves, here is a real bartender’s version of the joke:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After the 7th order the bartender says, “fuck off you little pricks.”

OK. I just wanted to share some ha ha today. Go back about your business.

And one last one for the road, to make sure you know the jokes at the thread cover all genres: “Your momma is so mean, she has no standard deviation.”

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