Category - Rule 5

1
The Cocktailosphere Has A New YouTube Darling
2
New Cocktail Blogging Tool
3
Safety In Paradise
4
This Year’s Best Superbowl™ Ad You Won’t See During the Game
5
The Perfect Gift to NOT Give the Cocktail Lover in Your Life
6
The Robot Bartender Singularity Takes a Turn for the… Outré

The Cocktailosphere Has A New YouTube Darling

JaNee Nisonger, "LA's Hottest Bartender"
The Cocktailosphere has a new instructional YouTube video favorite, JaNee Nisonger of Maholo.com. Sometimes it takes a while for us to discover the greatness in these kind of videos. It took nearly a year before our prior guru from the American Bartending School, and his special garnish Daiquiri was discovered and brought to us by Jeff Morganthaler. In this case, JaNee’s work has been languishing in relative obscurity for almost four years, until it’s sudden notoriety this week. I’ve seen this 1st video being passed around by everyone in my FaceBook and Twitter feeds from USBG members to an Irish priest Notre Dame law professor.

Without further ado, let me present How to Make an Old-Fashioned:

I learned a lot from this video…

  1. Either sugar cubes or simple syrup will make a drink sweeter than the other one will. Which one, I didn’t catch.
  2. Using simple syrup instead of sugar cubes will make your finished drink “more liquidy”.
  3. Use “orange slice wedges”. More on this in a bit.
  4. Professional bartenders should use huge wooden spoons to muddle with.
  5. Be sure to use the special invisible Angostura Bitters that cannot be seen coming out of the bottle, even in extreme closeup.
  6. Use a glass as your ice scoop.
  7. “Three ounces” of bourbon will completely fill a pint glass.
  8. In other news, serve your Old-Fashioneds in pint glasses! (Perhaps you should also have this website engraved on the inside bottom of the glass)
  9. An Old-Fashioned is kind of like a Manhattan, but the orange makes it even better.
  10. To mix your Old-Fashioned, pour it back and forth between your pint glass serving vessel and your glass ice scoop which, by the way, isn’t large enough to hold it all. This allows you to make the required “messes all over the place”.
  11. Your finished drink should not fill your glass anymore, making it look like the bartender took a hearty slug or three for themselves before handing it over.

“Orange slice wedges”? This is what happens when you have an actress read a script, and she finds herself confronted with props that don’t match her lines. Yes, she is an actress. She was a bartender in LA, of course she’s an actor too. Here’s her IMDB page to prove it. Read it all. She also appears to have taken a shot at a country music career.

She also has a Masters Degree in education, and I imagine she’s since the time of this video moved on to a high school teaching something other than mixology.

My point in all the biographical info is to remind people that I’m having fun with this, but this train wreck of a video series was no fault of hers. Don’t blame her.

And yes, it is a series of videos, not just this one.
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New Cocktail Blogging Tool


Fresh citrus in her drinks or no, she’s not going to feel comfortable in the Craft Bartending game until she grows a beard and gets some tattoos….

The picture atop this post is a stock image from GettyImages, as you can easily tell from the information displayed below it. It represents an important new potential in online publishing and an advance in thinking on Intellectual Property (the latter being a bugaboo around these parts). Getty recently announced that many of the images in its online catalog are now available to embed, free of charge in media outlets like this one.

For some bloggers, especially food and cocktail writers, third-party photographs are a non-issue, as they only post their own photos as an illustration of their hard, creative work. I post plenty of my own photos here, of course… some of which I’m pretty damn proud of. But in my case, as is the case of a huge swath of blogs on all subject matters, I also write about a lot more than just recipes, and Blogging 101 says that it is nice to have an eye-catching hero pic to illustrate the theme of the post. If I need an erupting volcano picture, or one of businessmen arguing over a widget, or indeed, one of a smoking hot brunette bartender cutting limes, I don’t usually have the subject at ready hand to photograph myself.

Previously, to post the specific image embedded above in that approximate size would have cost me sixty five dollars. At that price, the chances of my using that photo would have been nil. And even if I had dropped the cash on Getty to post it, that would have been, given the practice of the day now, the last Getty would likely have gotten from most any source. Why? Because had I posted it here in standard host it myself fashion, when any other writer googles “smoking hot brunette bartender cutting limes” they would be likely to get either my post or, of course, this article about smoking hot, brunette bartender Keith Waldbauer. And they would likely grab “my” picture from here and then post it themselves, maybe linking back to here. Worse, for Getty, professional marketing types who needed a full-resolution version (around $500+) would likely have a hard time finding where this vision of loveliness can be purchased, given the likely proliferation of blog posts about her that don’t link directly back to Getty. Or, you know, they might just call their Seattle office and have them hire Keith….

It is also important to note that there are a zillion bloggers, Facebookers, and Pinsters out there who neither know as much as I do about intellectual property, nor give a damn to find out. They just want that pretty picture to put on their page, and they do know how to right-click…. Getty is getting nothing but damage from these people.

With this new embed policy, Getty is showing some real foresight. In virtually no case will someone using one of these embedded images be someone who would have actually paid to use it in the past. But now Getty will maintain a direct link back to themselves in many, if not most instances of use. Look below the picture.

Hey Mister!
My social media buttons are down here!

Um, dear…
That doesn’t sound right. It usually is said the other way, and you sound as if…
Never mind! Never mind! Forget I said anything!
Please?

See the Twitter, tumblr, and embed buttons? Or just click on the pic and go right to the purchase page. If you are a blogger and want her picture, you could still just steal the picture by downloading it. Surprisingly, they don’t even try to block that. But why bother, when you can click one button and save your own bandwidth, and your time?

Thus, when the guy at the Citrus Marketing Association sees Blue Tube Top Girl and falls in love with her, he can get that picture, and others of her, for his new print ad with a few clicks.

Getty is showing that they are learning the Apple message about content, a lesson most content providers, to their stockholders’ detriment, stubbornly refuse to learn: The way to profit from your digital content is not to surround it with guard dogs, but to make it so easy to buy that people won’t bother to pirate it.

I’m happy to be an unpaid salesperson for GettyImages. I’m glad because of course, I’m not unpaid. I get access to lots of good illustrative pictures for my general interest posts. So the next time I want to write about wild, over the top, borderline illegal office parties, I can use just the right picture, like this.

Safety In Paradise

OK, I hesitate to claim that Air New Zealand is “in” for Tiki Month, as I was legitimately able to do with Frankie’s Tiki Room, but I’m gonna suggest it. They posted this, their new cabin safety video, in February after all! And it shows some of the most beautiful tropical island scenery of the Cook Islands I’ve seen, so I want to post it.

Tropical island scenery?
There are islands in this video?
Can’t say as how I noticed.
That said, I will grant that the scenery is pretty awesome.

What are you on about? There are the fabulous Cook Islands. There are flower leis. There are… Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover models… OK. I get your point.

Come on. I gotta shoehorn in some Rule 5 at some point in every Tiki Month. After all, as I have chronicled heretofore, Tiki is about (among other things) guilt-free sex!

And to my female readership, don’t worry. Air New Zealand is an equal opportunity outfit. There is a special guest appearance (they have special guest appearances in airline safety videos now?) by Christie Brinkley, who in addition to being quite the Mikana Añejo herself, seems to be there to remind everyone that Los Angeles is the Air New Zealand destination with the hottest pool boys.

I must say that it is interesting the way that Air New Zealand is turning the safety talk into a revenue opportunity. But celebrating the 50th Anniversary of the Swimsuit Edition immediately after the prior celebration is kind of a jarring change in the amount of hair. Good to see they both manage to make the life vest inflation segment into a dirty joke. Bear Grylls (thank God) didn’t get that memo in his version….
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This Year’s Best Superbowl™ Ad You Won’t See During the Game

Anna Kendrick Behind the Scenes Newcastle
Anna Kendrick: Beer Commercial Hot?
Anna-Kendrick-Black-Bra
I’m going with a tentative Yes.

Confession time: I am one of those people who watches the Superbowl for the ads. In fact, I usually DVR the Superbowl, and fast forward through the game to get to the commercials. Why? The last time I watched a sporting event live in which a team I actually cared about won that game was literally in 2011. Sportsfans, pay me to become an avid fan of your team’s biggest rival….

But I still like the ads. Each year, the ad companies trot out their best ideas, and there always some heartwarming, hilarious, and weirdly fascinating results. Sure, there are still clunkers, but the ad industry’s winners ratio in Superbowl ads is way better than the motion picture and television industries’. And a zillion people watch them, which is why companies spend so much to run those ads. And then, the best ones get replayed endlessly on YouTube for weeks thereafter.

All of this has led to a new peripheral phenomenon in recent years, the Ad You Won’t See On The Superbowl!11!!1! Companies or causes craft an ad to submit to the network to run on the Superbowl which is rejected. Usually its subject matter is self-evidently controversial enough that the NFL realizes testosterone-hyped families across America will get into literal fights over it and be unable to watch the other commercials. Sometimes the ad is perfectly innocuous in subject matter or product, but has a stray moment of unacceptable language or a gratuitous nip-slip or something.

The point is, the ad was deliberately crafted to be rejected. Then the marketing company can run off a press release, filled with High Dudgeon™, about how the ad was banned. If, as is usually the case, it is a political cause, they scream “the NFL doesn’t want you to hear this TRUTH!” And all their supporters rush out to tweet the YouTube link, and they get two million hits. If it is a product, they usually scream “the NFL censored our ad because it was so racy!” Then all the pubescent boys (here meaning males over the age of 12) rush out to watch the video for the nip-slip that ends up not being there anyway.

This is a very successful guerrilla marketing tactic. These advertisers don’t have the money, or at least don’t have it to spare, to afford an actual ad on the Superbowl. It is also an increasingly obvious tactic, and even your average low-information American is beginning to see it for what it is. (Guys will still click on that nip-slip ad link anyway. We’re predictable.)

But most people now realize that the advertiser’s ad is actually not on the Superbowl because they don’t have the money as opposed to having been “banned”, and now we see the next phase in the game. The Ad You Won’t See On The Giant Game We Can’t Name Because We Are Such a Plucky Little Group Who Can’t Compete With The Big Money Guys, So Go With Us Because We Are Artisinal And Stuff style advertisement.

Enter Newcastle Brown Ale, the PBR of the UK. An elderly working class brand now enjoying a hipster-fueled resurgence. This plucky little brand has released this “Behind the Scenes” video of their Superbowl ad that won’t be, starring Anna Kendrick of Pitch Perfect. The whole thing is about how Newcastle’s reach exceeded their grasp and they couldn’t afford to run their ad on the Superbowl (along with some unconvincing worry about whether she is hot enough for a beer commercial), and now she has to go back to making indie movies or something. It is funny. And trust me, listen carefully to her description of the ad. It would have gotten all the YouTube hits.

Cute, huh? And a great, creative way for a small company to leverage the Superbo… Giant Game With The Trademarked Name hype to their advantage. America really is the land of opportunity, huh?

Yeah, about that… Newcastle Brown ale is owned by, um, this impoverished outfit.
(H/T: Mary Katherine Ham at HotAir)

The Perfect Gift to NOT Give the Cocktail Lover in Your Life

Grabbing Hand by ISOStock at DeviantArt
A “Helping Hand”
Image via ISOStock

Obviously, I’m not talking about giving an actual hand to the cocktail lover in your life for Christmas. Even if they were tragically missing one, the medical science isn’t there yet to help. I will note that hands (unless we are talking of Gaz Regan’s Negroni-stirring finger) are not actual bar tools anyway. You are supposed to use your hands to manipulate tools to do things like prepare ingredients. For example, you put your limes in a juicer to extract the juice. It is messy, imprecise, and wasteful to just use your fingers. This brings us closer to where I’m going…

What the Hell are you up to, Doug?
You often take your time reaching the lede, but you are beating around the bush than usual.

Funny you should put it that way. But yeah, this is going to take some discretion.

I’m going to show you a video next, a video for making a “Macho Mojito”. Deep within this beautifully lit and shot little how-to there lies a horrifyingly, hilariously deep level of wrong.
So very, very wrong.
The audio isn’t the best, so it may be hard to hear the relevant information when it appears. Pay close attention when the little snifter on the left comes into play….

Whether you’ve watched it or not, let’s break this exhibition of very special mixology down, shall we? Consider this in the vein of the master of bar video fisking, Jeffrey Morgenthaler.

1.
To make your Mojito, start with a couple of messy barspoons of granulated sugar… because that is so easy to dissolve.

2.
Squeeze in your limes by hand? Trust me, pretty soon you aren’t going to want this guy’s hands touching ingredients for any drink he’s making for you….

3.

Gonna add the rum… I like mine strong.

Um, yeah. I think we are all going to need a strong drink here shortly. And I don’t really rate that pour as all that strong, to be honest.

4.

Then we’ll mash it all up.

The thing we learn here is to oh so gently tamp down your mint and sugar. If you got in there and used any agitation or pressure at all, you might actually dissolve some of the sugar! Worse, you might bruise the mint, and this dude is muddling like he’s afraid to piss off that mint.

5.

And now we’re going to add some powdered sugar to the semen.

[Sound of phonograph needle being dragged across a record]

!

!

Yup. Semen. The mixologist producing this drink is Paul Photenhauer, author of Semenology – The Semen Bartender’s Handbook. Yes, it is real. Click the link. It will take you to the Amazon page for this book. But do not give this book to your cocktail enthusiast friend…

Unless you have a very specific message to send, that is!

You are not helping, Guy.
In other news, don’t worry my foodie readers, Photenhauer has got you covered too, with a gift not to give this Christmas.

Congratulations, you’ve finally dug down to the well-buried lede of this post. I’m sorry, but Spoogetails are just a very bad idea, for all sorts of reasons.

To begin with, Semen cocktails? Really?
Disclaimer: I personally am not a consumer of semen (shocking to those who know me as this might be). I thus have no personal experience with its taste. But my sources tell me that for those who do enjoy the occasional loving spoonful, it is really about inducing the production, rather than the end product….

Further, the mixology of this particular drink is just all wrong from a technical standpoint. You see, what they are whipping up in that little snifter is a protein foam, very similar in chemical construction to how a bartender would employ an egg white. Foams are great in certain cocktails, but they have no place in a light, carbonated drink like a Mojito. I’d suggest you use this stuff in something where you are looking for a richer mouthfeel…. It is the holidays, so perhaps you could make an eggnog with this stuff replacing the chemically very similar egg white foam?

How about a Ramos Gin Jizz?

Oh. My. God!
Stop encouraging him!

Actually, that would work. The point is that if you were to employ this rather dubious ingredient, at least do it in a way that is culinarily and chemically sound.

You are really going into the science of semen?

Hey, I once wrote that bringing along Gaz Regan would be the secret to a successful Mars mission. We think deep thoughts here at the Pegu Blog, lady.

But this brings us to the third problem with this ingredient, it doesn’t make for much of a trend unless professionals are going to serve them in bars. The implications here only get worse. Today’s cocktail enthusiast demands fresh, um, squeezed ingredients. We are looking at a pretty fundamental shift in the nature of the barback’s job here, folks!
Further, say we put Guy’s Ramos Gin Jizz on the menu, and they grow, God forbid, popular? Hearkening back to the original, will bars that serve this have to go back to the line of ten strapping young men behind the bartender, er, shaking for all they are worth, one after the other, to produce….

Stop!
Just stop! I refuse to be a part of this any longer.
Wrap it up, Writer Boy.

Why are you so against this, dear?
I’d think you could be a big help with….

Are you really wanting to piss me off?
Is it truly your intent to make this, of all things, a subject that I angrily reject?

Hey Doug!
You’re going to edit out this last exchange, right?

Sure, Guy. Whatever you say.

The Robot Bartender Singularity Takes a Turn for the… Outré

Those carvings pictured above are not Tikis. You could tell they are not Tikis because I’m writing about them and it isn’t Tiki Month, or by lifting one or the other of them up and “enjoying” the surprise. They are called Indio Picaros, and they are a novelty similar to dashboard hula girls, indigenous to Chile. Heretofore, Chile was filed in my brain under Land of the Uber Swimming Pool, and One of Only Two Countries Who Went to War over Booze. Now they will forever be burned in under the heading Country Geographically Pre-Disposed to Obsess Over Things That Are Long and Thin. See, if you ignorantly go to pick up one of these statuettes, their feet will drop down due to gravity and a mechanism will cause the enormous, hidden schlong it possesses within to whip up and out toward you.

This is apparently the funniest damn thing in the world to Chileans….

So why in God’s name are you writing about these suckers here?
I mean, Rule 5 is for girls too, and all, but this?

Because when things like this happen to the drinks world, I have to write about it.

We have reached the robot age, and all things must be automated. A Chilean has turned a set of the little hand-carved dudes into remote-operated robots. And once you automate the movement, it’s a simple step further to attach a tube and get into the flow of things….

Yeah.

And once you have hand-carved, Chilean, animated, wooden penisbots, in a country which is already obsessed with its national (if you don’t have Peruvian friends) spirit, which is often pronounced, um, Piss-Ko, you are going to get the bar geeks getting their groove on.

I’ve written forebodingly of the day that Skynet becomes aware and replaces all bartenders with robot cocktail machines, forcing us all to drink sidecars made with sour mix, because that’s the way Andy Goode likes them; kind of like the way we all have to spell as badly as Bill Gates.

Now it is worse.

Soon we will have to drink nothing but Pis(s)co Sours, created from the drain pipe of a communal robot urinal….

Thanks to Make: Magazine, for disturbing my sleep like this….

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