Category: Rule 5
Recipes, Rule 5, Whiskey

High Maintenance Loves: Whiskey Sour

[caption id="attachment_10915" align="aligncenter" width="447"]"This old thing? Just something I threw on..." "This old thing? Just something I threw on..."[/caption] There is a pretty wide range of hassle in making drinks. For every Jack and Coke, there is a seven ingredient monster that calls for a tincture of mistletoe harvested with a golden sickle and caught in a oaken bowl before it could hit the ground. At midnight. During a Full Moon. I don't care how transcendent the latter is, I'm not making it at home. Not to be all heteronormist here, but you marry the one and you date the other. Briefly. But, while at home I strongly favor drinks that make my life easy to make (there is a reason it is only Tiki Month once a year), there are a few high-maintenance gals that make the effort worthwhile. Exhibit A, in what I optimistically plan to become a series, is the Whiskey Sour. To much of the populace the Whiskey Sour is the sort of faceless drink that leathered old men in dive bars might nurse while watching the results roll in on closed-circuit from Aquaduct. And the Whiskey Sour in that mental picture is indeed no Kim Kardashian. You just slip some Jim Beam into a glass with some ice and a splash of sour mix and call it a day. And while this is a perfectly serviceable drink, it is not going to be a common tipple for the portion of the human race who have the knowledge to appreciate a really good cocktail. I am talking about this Whiskey Sour. Whiskey Sour This here is a high-maintenance cocktail, folks. Check out the recipe I use to see why.
WHISKEY SOUR
  • 2 oz. low-premium bourbon (Four Roses Small Batch)
  • 1 oz. fresh lemon juice
  • 3/4 oz. not-quite-rich simple syrup (1.5:1)
  • 1 fresh egg white
Combine ingredients in an empty shaker. Insert the spring from a worn-out Hawthorne shaker, or the wire ball from a protein smoothie shaker. Seal well and shake vigorously for thirty to forty five seconds. Be careful, as the shaker can develop substantial pressure during this step as the foamy head forms out of the egg proteins. When using a Boston Shaker, it will often leak a little. Once you have formed the foam, open the shaker and add ice. Shake again until chilled. Strain into an old-fashioned glass with fresh ice cubes, or better yet a large chunk of ice. Garnish with a large strip of lemon zest.
For the home bartender, making a round of proper Whiskey Sours means a lot of cleanup. Eggs make a mess, and if you are smart you will clean the counters and your bar tools immediately, before you get to enjoy your cocktail. If you don't, you will have a royal pain of a cleanup. You also ought to take into consideration the tiny chance that those raw egg whites could make you sick. Wash your hands. Thoroughly. It takes at least twice as long to make one of these, than it does to whip up, say, a proper Daiquiri. [caption id="attachment_10918" align="aligncenter" width="236"]2130ed3af806629591d4d715e3f1abeb But is this high-maintenance beauty worth it?[/caption] Oh Lordy, yes. As you saw above, it is gorgeous. If "mouthfeel" was not a term already, you'd have to pretty much invent it to talk about the unctuous, rich texture of each sip on your tongue. The flavors last beautifully. You can easily adjust the ratio of ingredients to suit your personal tastes. (Mine runs to the sour side.) For spirits aficionados, the Whiskey Sour has the virtue of both making mediocre bourbon taste great, but still retaining the ability to showcase that much nicer bottle you got from your brother at Christmas.
Disclaimer: The Pegu Blog is not advocating making Whiskey Sours with that bottle of Pappy Van Winkle....
Make the Whiskey Sour a part of your regular rotation. It is worth hauling all those packages.abc
Funny, Marketing, Rule 2, Rule 5, Rum, Spokescharacters

A Heartfelt Plea

Ron Jeremy just doesn't get any respect. This auteur is one of the most prolific actors and directors working in the cinema today. Not to mention the fact that his entire career is one huge blow after another to the pernicious "Lookism" so rampant in the Business. (And by The Business, I do mean The Industry!) Yet, despite these impeccable credentials as film master and social justice icon, and the fact that the evidence of his Jewish upbringing is both enormous and well-documented, the Canadian Powers That Be relentlessly refuse to allow his films to be shown at the Toronto Jewish Film Festival! The video above is Ron's heartfelt and subtle appeal for this ban to end, expressed in a short film, as befitting this heir to Orson Wells. Oh, and I continue to believe that Ron's ron, er, rum is under-appreciated as well. I'm actually serious here. Ron de Jeremy is not at all an all-purpose rum, but it honestly, no shit, makes a wonderful Rum Old Fashioned. And it has one of the more brilliant ad campaigns out there. I can't recommend visiting the website and exploring its offerings enough... especially once you are two or more drinks in. (H/T: Sploid)abc
Bartenders, Rule 4, Rule 5, science, Stuff

The Bartender Singularity Takes a Creepy Turn

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The face of the Bartender Singularity...?
No, not the black hole kind of singularity, but the kind of singularity where humans produce a machine that does a job indistinguishably from humans, or even better. The mighty Instapundit loves to point out every example of a nascent singularity that he can find, or pretend to find. Me, I confine myself to cheerfully threatening my bartender friends with every mechanized example of bartending equipment I see as if it is the impending Bartender Singularity. Further, I've noticed a trend that said Bartender Singularity seems to often come with an extra layer of sexually-tinged (or -slathered) creepiness. It has lead me to expect that when a real singularity does arrive, it will be wearing leather.... We are not even close yet, in the real world, but, well, the next step is upon us.... and it wears leather. Or lace. You know, user customization is all the rage these days. Japanese sex-doll maker Orient-Industry (link is NSFW) is demonstrating a modification to one of their popular models of $7,500 realistic latex sex dolls that turns "her" into a drink dispenser called Party Doll. One is pictured atop this post. Though she would not be dressed like that while in operation. Yes folks, Japan remains the clubhouse leader in global, perverted weirdness. And it does so with products like this. I almost don't want to describe how you operate the Party Doll, but in the interests of Journalistic Integrity™, I must. Also, in case you do not want to click the link below to watch the embedded video, you need to know what you are missing. To get your drink (I think "she" only makes one recipe), you hold your glass underneath one nipple, while you massage the other breast until your glass is full. Yup. They went there. [expand title="Click for embedded NOT Safe for Work Video" trigclass="noarrow"][expandsub1 title="No, really. It is not safe for work!"][/expandsub1][/expand]
Got that? Did you watch the whole unnecessarily long thing? Good. Now remember that most bartenders are male, and let your imagination marinate in that set of pleasant imagery of our inevitable future. You are welcome. To wrap up, I'm glad we can all agree that real bartenders have little to fear from the Party Doll, but....
Wait a minute, Doug! I don't mean to pry, but just how in hell did you run across this particular product? I mean, what dark alley of the internet were you Googl....
Oh! Thanks for the reminder! A post like this definitely needs a hat tip to my source, SPLOID! There, you can thank the Gawker family of sites for your nightmares, bartenders!abc
Pirates, Rule 5, Rum

It Be International Talk Like A Pirate Day, 2014!

Via Pop Art Avast there, ye swabs and lubbers alike! It be impart'nt to remember that terday be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! It be silly. It be fun. It be a day fer drinkin' lots o' rum! Leave yer gin and yer whiskies ashore today, Mateys, the vodka and tequilarrr as well. Today's imbibin' must be rum... or the lash! [caption id="attachment_10315" align="aligncenter" width="400"]"Or you can have rum and the lash—Whichever floats your boat...." "Or you can have rum and the lash—Whichever floats your boat...."[/caption] Now, ye can be swilling yer rum w' all manner o' side parties. Cap'n Morgan, who be workin' harder each year to board the good ship ITLAPD, this year wants ye to be drinkin' Cap'n and Colarrr! Of course, yer true sea dog, by the end o' the festivities at least, when the wenches be all auctioned off, the port burnt to cinders, and the loot buried, will just swill his rum straight. But make sure it be the good stuff, or the crew will keelhaul ye! [caption id="attachment_10314" align="aligncenter" width="550"]"And don't drink too much, because I'm not swabbing the deck in the aftermath!" "And don't drink too much, because I'm not swabbing the deck in the aftermath!"[/caption] But whatever manner o' concoction ye put together wi' yer rum tonight, be sure there be plenty o' lime in it! Limes go great wi' rum. And you don't want to be getting scurvy! it__s_not_scurvy_house_stencil Belay that, ye scurvy knave! Wi' pirates, it be always scurvy!abc
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