Category - Rule 5

1
The Bartender Singularity Takes a Creepy Turn
2
It Be International Talk Like A Pirate Day, 2014!
3
The Cocktailosphere Has A New YouTube Darling
4
New Cocktail Blogging Tool

The Bartender Singularity Takes a Creepy Turn

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The face of the Bartender Singularity…?

No, not the black hole kind of singularity, but the kind of singularity where humans produce a machine that does a job indistinguishably from humans, or even better. The mighty Instapundit loves to point out every example of a nascent singularity that he can find, or pretend to find. Me, I confine myself to cheerfully threatening my bartender friends with every mechanized example of bartending equipment I see as if it is the impending Bartender Singularity. Further, I’ve noticed a trend that said Bartender Singularity seems to often come with an extra layer of sexually-tinged (or -slathered) creepiness. It has lead me to expect that when a real singularity does arrive, it will be wearing leather….

We are not even close yet, in the real world, but, well, the next step is upon us…. and it wears leather. Or lace. You know, user customization is all the rage these days.

Japanese sex-doll maker Orient-Industry (link is NSFW) is demonstrating a modification to one of their popular models of $7,500 realistic latex sex dolls that turns “her” into a drink dispenser called Party Doll. One is pictured atop this post. Though she would not be dressed like that while in operation.

Yes folks, Japan remains the clubhouse leader in global, perverted weirdness. And it does so with products like this. I almost don’t want to describe how you operate the Party Doll, but in the interests of Journalistic Integrity™, I must. Also, in case you do not want to click the link below to watch the embedded video, you need to know what you are missing. To get your drink (I think “she” only makes one recipe), you hold your glass underneath one nipple, while you massage the other breast until your glass is full.
Yup. They went there.

Click for embedded NOT Safe for Work Video
No, really. It is not safe for work!


Got that? Did you watch the whole unnecessarily long thing? Good. Now remember that most bartenders are male, and let your imagination marinate in that set of pleasant imagery of our inevitable future.

You are welcome.

To wrap up, I’m glad we can all agree that real bartenders have little to fear from the Party Doll, but….

Wait a minute, Doug!
I don’t mean to pry, but just how in hell did you run across this particular product?
I mean, what dark alley of the internet were you Googl….

Oh! Thanks for the reminder! A post like this definitely needs a hat tip to my source, SPLOID! There, you can thank the Gawker family of sites for your nightmares, bartenders!

It Be International Talk Like A Pirate Day, 2014!

Via Pop Art
Avast there, ye swabs and lubbers alike! It be impart’nt to remember that terday be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! It be silly. It be fun. It be a day fer drinkin’ lots o’ rum!

Leave yer gin and yer whiskies ashore today, Mateys, the vodka and tequilarrr as well. Today’s imbibin’ must be rum… or the lash!

"Or you can have rum and the lash—Whichever floats your boat...."

“Or you can have rum and the lash—Whichever floats your boat….”

Now, ye can be swilling yer rum w’ all manner o’ side parties. Cap’n Morgan, who be workin’ harder each year to board the good ship ITLAPD, this year wants ye to be drinkin’ Cap’n and Colarrr!

Of course, yer true sea dog, by the end o’ the festivities at least, when the wenches be all auctioned off, the port burnt to cinders, and the loot buried, will just swill his rum straight. But make sure it be the good stuff, or the crew will keelhaul ye!

"And don't drink too much, because I'm not swabbing the deck in the aftermath!"

“And don’t drink too much, because I’m not swabbing the deck in the aftermath!”

But whatever manner o’ concoction ye put together wi’ yer rum tonight, be sure there be plenty o’ lime in it! Limes go great wi’ rum. And you don’t want to be getting scurvy!
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Belay that, ye scurvy knave! Wi’ pirates, it be always scurvy!

The Cocktailosphere Has A New YouTube Darling

JaNee Nisonger, "LA's Hottest Bartender"
The Cocktailosphere has a new instructional YouTube video favorite, JaNee Nisonger of Maholo.com. Sometimes it takes a while for us to discover the greatness in these kind of videos. It took nearly a year before our prior guru from the American Bartending School, and his special garnish Daiquiri was discovered and brought to us by Jeff Morganthaler. In this case, JaNee’s work has been languishing in relative obscurity for almost four years, until it’s sudden notoriety this week. I’ve seen this 1st video being passed around by everyone in my FaceBook and Twitter feeds from USBG members to an Irish priest Notre Dame law professor.

Without further ado, let me present How to Make an Old-Fashioned:

I learned a lot from this video…

  1. Either sugar cubes or simple syrup will make a drink sweeter than the other one will. Which one, I didn’t catch.
  2. Using simple syrup instead of sugar cubes will make your finished drink “more liquidy”.
  3. Use “orange slice wedges”. More on this in a bit.
  4. Professional bartenders should use huge wooden spoons to muddle with.
  5. Be sure to use the special invisible Angostura Bitters that cannot be seen coming out of the bottle, even in extreme closeup.
  6. Use a glass as your ice scoop.
  7. “Three ounces” of bourbon will completely fill a pint glass.
  8. In other news, serve your Old-Fashioneds in pint glasses! (Perhaps you should also have this website engraved on the inside bottom of the glass)
  9. An Old-Fashioned is kind of like a Manhattan, but the orange makes it even better.
  10. To mix your Old-Fashioned, pour it back and forth between your pint glass serving vessel and your glass ice scoop which, by the way, isn’t large enough to hold it all. This allows you to make the required “messes all over the place”.
  11. Your finished drink should not fill your glass anymore, making it look like the bartender took a hearty slug or three for themselves before handing it over.

“Orange slice wedges”? This is what happens when you have an actress read a script, and she finds herself confronted with props that don’t match her lines. Yes, she is an actress. She was a bartender in LA, of course she’s an actor too. Here’s her IMDB page to prove it. Read it all. She also appears to have taken a shot at a country music career.

She also has a Masters Degree in education, and I imagine she’s since the time of this video moved on to a high school teaching something other than mixology.

My point in all the biographical info is to remind people that I’m having fun with this, but this train wreck of a video series was no fault of hers. Don’t blame her.

And yes, it is a series of videos, not just this one.
Read More

New Cocktail Blogging Tool


Fresh citrus in her drinks or no, she’s not going to feel comfortable in the Craft Bartending game until she grows a beard and gets some tattoos….

The picture atop this post is a stock image from GettyImages, as you can easily tell from the information displayed below it. It represents an important new potential in online publishing and an advance in thinking on Intellectual Property (the latter being a bugaboo around these parts). Getty recently announced that many of the images in its online catalog are now available to embed, free of charge in media outlets like this one.

For some bloggers, especially food and cocktail writers, third-party photographs are a non-issue, as they only post their own photos as an illustration of their hard, creative work. I post plenty of my own photos here, of course… some of which I’m pretty damn proud of. But in my case, as is the case of a huge swath of blogs on all subject matters, I also write about a lot more than just recipes, and Blogging 101 says that it is nice to have an eye-catching hero pic to illustrate the theme of the post. If I need an erupting volcano picture, or one of businessmen arguing over a widget, or indeed, one of a smoking hot brunette bartender cutting limes, I don’t usually have the subject at ready hand to photograph myself.

Previously, to post the specific image embedded above in that approximate size would have cost me sixty five dollars. At that price, the chances of my using that photo would have been nil. And even if I had dropped the cash on Getty to post it, that would have been, given the practice of the day now, the last Getty would likely have gotten from most any source. Why? Because had I posted it here in standard host it myself fashion, when any other writer googles “smoking hot brunette bartender cutting limes” they would be likely to get either my post or, of course, this article about smoking hot, brunette bartender Keith Waldbauer. And they would likely grab “my” picture from here and then post it themselves, maybe linking back to here. Worse, for Getty, professional marketing types who needed a full-resolution version (around $500+) would likely have a hard time finding where this vision of loveliness can be purchased, given the likely proliferation of blog posts about her that don’t link directly back to Getty. Or, you know, they might just call their Seattle office and have them hire Keith….

It is also important to note that there are a zillion bloggers, Facebookers, and Pinsters out there who neither know as much as I do about intellectual property, nor give a damn to find out. They just want that pretty picture to put on their page, and they do know how to right-click…. Getty is getting nothing but damage from these people.

With this new embed policy, Getty is showing some real foresight. In virtually no case will someone using one of these embedded images be someone who would have actually paid to use it in the past. But now Getty will maintain a direct link back to themselves in many, if not most instances of use. Look below the picture.

Hey Mister!
My social media buttons are down here!

Um, dear…
That doesn’t sound right. It usually is said the other way, and you sound as if…
Never mind! Never mind! Forget I said anything!
Please?

See the Twitter, tumblr, and embed buttons? Or just click on the pic and go right to the purchase page. If you are a blogger and want her picture, you could still just steal the picture by downloading it. Surprisingly, they don’t even try to block that. But why bother, when you can click one button and save your own bandwidth, and your time?

Thus, when the guy at the Citrus Marketing Association sees Blue Tube Top Girl and falls in love with her, he can get that picture, and others of her, for his new print ad with a few clicks.

Getty is showing that they are learning the Apple message about content, a lesson most content providers, to their stockholders’ detriment, stubbornly refuse to learn: The way to profit from your digital content is not to surround it with guard dogs, but to make it so easy to buy that people won’t bother to pirate it.

I’m happy to be an unpaid salesperson for GettyImages. I’m glad because of course, I’m not unpaid. I get access to lots of good illustrative pictures for my general interest posts. So the next time I want to write about wild, over the top, borderline illegal office parties, I can use just the right picture, like this.

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