Category - Food

1
Mad Science: Rye Whiskey-Flavored Pigs
2
SideBlog: Why American Eggs Would Be Illegal In A British Supermarket, And Vice Versa
3
Tiki Compliant: The Queen’s Park Hotel Super Cocktail
4
The Perfect Gift to NOT Give the Cocktail Lover in Your Life

Mad Science: Rye Whiskey-Flavored Pigs

Sizzling Bacon
Now, imagine it tastes of good rye whiskey….

Whatever troubles Templeton Rye may have concerning its labels and marketing strategies, I for one rather like the product. And were there any remaining doubts that the minds behind it were not filled with creativity, this story should put them to rest. Every time we think we’ve reached Peak Bacon in the meme department, someone comes along to top it. In the cocktail world, bacon fat-washing has been the leader in the clubhouse for so long, it is practically ho-hum now. But if making your whiskey taste like bacon is fun, thought the people at Templeton, how awesome would it be to make your bacon taste like whiskey?

Rye. Flavored. Pig.

The idea is fairly simple: If you feed your pigs on spent rye mash, and they will grow up to possess a flavor hearkening to the spicy undertones of the whiskey that mash was used to make. It makes a sort of brilliant sense; after all, you are what you eat, right? Popular Mechanics has a fun little writeup on how Templeton put this to the test. On first read, you’d think that these 50 mash-fed porkers (now gleefully consumed) were the culinary equivalent to the Alfa-Romeo 4c. But alas, PM leans more to the Popular in its moniker than the Mechanics in this article.

The sad truth is in there, though. “‘There’s no way for anyone to take a bite of the pork and taste that it has 20 percent Templeton mash in the feed,’ says Top Chef winner Stephanie Izard, who cooked one of the pigs for a themed dinner at her Little Goat Diner, in Chicago.”

So no whiskey-flavored pork loin just yet, cocktail folk. You may return to your regularly-scheduled fat washing until further notice.

SideBlog: Why American Eggs Would Be Illegal In A British Supermarket, And Vice Versa

Why American Eggs Would Be Illegal In A British Supermarket, And Vice Versa. Different means to the same end, but mixing the methods would be a disaster. Related: New pasteurization method coming for eggs to make them more like fresh. Whiskey Sour lovers, rejoice.

Tiki Compliant: The Queen’s Park Hotel Super Cocktail

Queen's Park hotel Super Cocktail
The Queen’s Park Hotel Super Cocktail is actually a pre-Tiki cocktail, but it fits perfectly into the category my friend Joe Garcia calls “Tiki Compliant“. Both Don the Beachcomber and Trader Vic learned their respective Tiki drink templates in the rum soaked Carribean (Don as an itinerant youth, Vic as a cold-eyed businessman doing market and product research), consuming drinks like (and perhaps including) the Queen’s Park Hotel Super Cocktail. It checks all the required boxes for me to make it compliant: rum, citrus, exotic syrups, and melded flavors. I hesitate to just pretend it is an outright Tiki drink because of its origin, and its name, which is too British.

QUEEN’S PARK HOTEL SUPER COCKTAIL

  • 1 1/2 oz. gold Trinidadian rum (I used Mount Gay Eclipse because my Angostura 5 Rum bottle is on fumes)
  • 1/2 oz.Italian (sweet) vermouth
  • 1/2 oz. fresh lime juice
  • 1/2 oz. fresh homemade grenadine
  • 4 dashes Angostura Bitters

Combine in a shaker with ice and shake to chill well. Strain into a cocktail glass or small Tiki vessel and garnish with some form of elaborate lime garnish.

One of the things I love about this drink is that it uses vermouth! I had not encountered a Tiki recipe that used the stuff before, and I’m glad to see that you can make a quite tasty tropical that employs it to good effect. This one will be on the menu the rest of Tiki Month, and I intend to experiment with better and better rums, as this is a Tiki cocktail that I suspect will show off the better spirits, rather than waste them.

I found this in Jeff Berry’s lastest fantastic work: Beachbum Berry’s Potions of the Caribbean. (Currently in stock from its publisher, Cocktail Kingdom) I will certainly have a full review of this book later in Tiki Month 2014, when I’ve finished most of it. Suffice it to say here that not only is it a great cocktail book, it is also a fantastic history of the Carribean as a whole, seen through the lens of the bottom of a glass.

The Perfect Gift to NOT Give the Cocktail Lover in Your Life

Grabbing Hand by ISOStock at DeviantArt
A “Helping Hand”
Image via ISOStock

Obviously, I’m not talking about giving an actual hand to the cocktail lover in your life for Christmas. Even if they were tragically missing one, the medical science isn’t there yet to help. I will note that hands (unless we are talking of Gaz Regan’s Negroni-stirring finger) are not actual bar tools anyway. You are supposed to use your hands to manipulate tools to do things like prepare ingredients. For example, you put your limes in a juicer to extract the juice. It is messy, imprecise, and wasteful to just use your fingers. This brings us closer to where I’m going…

What the Hell are you up to, Doug?
You often take your time reaching the lede, but you are beating around the bush than usual.

Funny you should put it that way. But yeah, this is going to take some discretion.

I’m going to show you a video next, a video for making a “Macho Mojito”. Deep within this beautifully lit and shot little how-to there lies a horrifyingly, hilariously deep level of wrong.
So very, very wrong.
The audio isn’t the best, so it may be hard to hear the relevant information when it appears. Pay close attention when the little snifter on the left comes into play….

Whether you’ve watched it or not, let’s break this exhibition of very special mixology down, shall we? Consider this in the vein of the master of bar video fisking, Jeffrey Morgenthaler.

1.
To make your Mojito, start with a couple of messy barspoons of granulated sugar… because that is so easy to dissolve.

2.
Squeeze in your limes by hand? Trust me, pretty soon you aren’t going to want this guy’s hands touching ingredients for any drink he’s making for you….

3.

Gonna add the rum… I like mine strong.

Um, yeah. I think we are all going to need a strong drink here shortly. And I don’t really rate that pour as all that strong, to be honest.

4.

Then we’ll mash it all up.

The thing we learn here is to oh so gently tamp down your mint and sugar. If you got in there and used any agitation or pressure at all, you might actually dissolve some of the sugar! Worse, you might bruise the mint, and this dude is muddling like he’s afraid to piss off that mint.

5.

And now we’re going to add some powdered sugar to the semen.

[Sound of phonograph needle being dragged across a record]

!

!

Yup. Semen. The mixologist producing this drink is Paul Photenhauer, author of Semenology – The Semen Bartender’s Handbook. Yes, it is real. Click the link. It will take you to the Amazon page for this book. But do not give this book to your cocktail enthusiast friend…

Unless you have a very specific message to send, that is!

You are not helping, Guy.
In other news, don’t worry my foodie readers, Photenhauer has got you covered too, with a gift not to give this Christmas.

Congratulations, you’ve finally dug down to the well-buried lede of this post. I’m sorry, but Spoogetails are just a very bad idea, for all sorts of reasons.

To begin with, Semen cocktails? Really?
Disclaimer: I personally am not a consumer of semen (shocking to those who know me as this might be). I thus have no personal experience with its taste. But my sources tell me that for those who do enjoy the occasional loving spoonful, it is really about inducing the production, rather than the end product….

Further, the mixology of this particular drink is just all wrong from a technical standpoint. You see, what they are whipping up in that little snifter is a protein foam, very similar in chemical construction to how a bartender would employ an egg white. Foams are great in certain cocktails, but they have no place in a light, carbonated drink like a Mojito. I’d suggest you use this stuff in something where you are looking for a richer mouthfeel…. It is the holidays, so perhaps you could make an eggnog with this stuff replacing the chemically very similar egg white foam?

How about a Ramos Gin Jizz?

Oh. My. God!
Stop encouraging him!

Actually, that would work. The point is that if you were to employ this rather dubious ingredient, at least do it in a way that is culinarily and chemically sound.

You are really going into the science of semen?

Hey, I once wrote that bringing along Gaz Regan would be the secret to a successful Mars mission. We think deep thoughts here at the Pegu Blog, lady.

But this brings us to the third problem with this ingredient, it doesn’t make for much of a trend unless professionals are going to serve them in bars. The implications here only get worse. Today’s cocktail enthusiast demands fresh, um, squeezed ingredients. We are looking at a pretty fundamental shift in the nature of the barback’s job here, folks!
Further, say we put Guy’s Ramos Gin Jizz on the menu, and they grow, God forbid, popular? Hearkening back to the original, will bars that serve this have to go back to the line of ten strapping young men behind the bartender, er, shaking for all they are worth, one after the other, to produce….

Stop!
Just stop! I refuse to be a part of this any longer.
Wrap it up, Writer Boy.

Why are you so against this, dear?
I’d think you could be a big help with….

Are you really wanting to piss me off?
Is it truly your intent to make this, of all things, a subject that I angrily reject?

Hey Doug!
You’re going to edit out this last exchange, right?

Sure, Guy. Whatever you say.

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