Category - Funny

1
A Heartfelt Plea
2
Notes on Opening Your New Year’s Eve Champagne
3
Presidential Drinking Habits
4
Breakthrough Science! You Can’t Drink Through Your Feet

A Heartfelt Plea


Ron Jeremy just doesn’t get any respect. This auteur is one of the most prolific actors and directors working in the cinema today. Not to mention the fact that his entire career is one huge blow after another to the pernicious “Lookism” so rampant in the Business. (And by The Business, I do mean The Industry!)

Yet, despite these impeccable credentials as film master and social justice icon, and the fact that the evidence of his Jewish upbringing is both enormous and well-documented, the Canadian Powers That Be relentlessly refuse to allow his films to be shown at the Toronto Jewish Film Festival! The video above is Ron’s heartfelt and subtle appeal for this ban to end, expressed in a short film, as befitting this heir to Orson Wells.

Oh, and I continue to believe that Ron’s ron, er, rum is under-appreciated as well. I’m actually serious here. Ron de Jeremy is not at all an all-purpose rum, but it honestly, no shit, makes a wonderful Rum Old Fashioned. And it has one of the more brilliant ad campaigns out there. I can’t recommend visiting the website and exploring its offerings enough… especially once you are two or more drinks in.

(H/T: Sploid)

Notes on Opening Your New Year’s Eve Champagne


One of the best parts of New Year’s Eve is the Champagne…

To make French 75s with!

No. Although those are delicious, Esquire’s David Wondrich describes them as “a hot-rails-to-hell spree drink“. While I’m sure there are a few who would disagree with me, I think that the point is to make New Year’s Eve memories, not New Year’s blackouts.

Mmmmm… French 75s….

No! No, this post is about straight champagne. Or more to the point, opening champagne. If you don’t know what you are doing, you can put someone’s eye out with that cork. Or you could spill your, um, swill upon the ground like Elvis up there. I have a few suggestions for opening your bottle.

Many of you may have seen this video from my hero Alton Brown about opening your chapagne. It is a simple and easy process!

So, for that method, you just need cold champagne and a cavalry saber… Um… even I don’t have a cavalry saber! I’ll have to see about fixing that for next year. Watch this space. Also, you still are opening the bottle close to your face, so if you get it wrong, spray is still an issue.

So my real offering this New Year is this video, because when you open your champagne bottle with a .50 caliber sniper rifle, you can certainly manage to be out of range of any minor spray that may result!

See! Foolproof!

If you have a stone cold sober sniper.
…and a fitty cal.
…and several backup bottles of Cristal!

OK. True, cavalry sabers and sniper rifles might be considered somewhat dangerous elements to add to your drunken revelry. Just remember, neither is as dangerous as what the guests have out in the parking lot.

I’ll finish with a single piece of sensible advice, because I ought to dispense such at least once a year, and this is my last chance.

Opening champagne is really simple to do with no mess at all.

  1. Keep your bubbly chilled and unshaken. If it is disturbed enough to “help” the cork come out, you are going to loose half the liquid when it follows the cork out the neck upon opening.
  2. Hold the bottle upright and gently remove the wire.
  3. Always keep the neck pointed at a light fixture-free section of the ceiling.
  4. Grab the cork in your fist from the side, not the top.
  5. Gently but firmly rotate the cork in the neck of the bottle. The key to removing a champagne cork is rotation, not bending or pushing!
  6. Do this slowly back and forth and the cork will slowly start to ease its way out. When it starts to come out, don’t get excited and pull harder. Just hold it firmly until it works its way loose.

With an inaudible pop, the cork will be gently loose in your hand, and every damn drop of champagne will remain in the bottle for your guests’ enjoyment.

There, you’re done! And with all the money you save on carpet cleaning, drywall repair, and Obamacare co-pays, you can upgrade to a decent bottle of champagne you won’t need to chug to get down.


Cheers!

Presidential Drinking Habits

Obama gives a thumbs-up as he celebrates St. Patrick's Day in Washington
The New York Post has just published a nifty little piece of scholarship by Mark Will-Weber entitled “A Complete List of Every President’s Favorite Drink”. I was just going to link it in the SideBlog, but there is enough stuff here to share some highlights without stealing so much you won’t read the original. Some of this I already knew, but most I did not. It is a fun and quick read.

It is an illuminating historical fact that of America’s Founding Fathers, only Washington died wealthy. In fact, virtually all the rest died broke. Perhaps some of the reason for this is because, while Washington was the continent’s biggest liquor producer, he never drank it, preferring the odd porter instead. In contrast, Jefferson bankrupted himself on expensive wine, and James Monroe spent the White House furniture budget on 100 cases of French wine and Champagne.

Martin Van Buren was a heavy drinker, who liked a New York-made Genever variant called Scheidam. Anyone ever heard of this stuff?

We had some bad presidents in the lead-up to the Civil War, and their drinking habits are in keeping with that. Millard Fillmore was a near teetotaler, and with a name like that to tote around, a sane man would need an occasional belt. He was followed by Franklin Pierce, who died of cirrhosis, and James Buchanan, who drank Iberia dry.

The Rutherford B. Hayes White House staff would resort to spiking the punch because his wife was a Prohibitionist, but she caught on and substituted their rum with artificial flavoring behind their backs. If you merged a period costume film with Porky’s, you get a Hayes state dinner, I guess.

Read the entry for Grover Cleveland. No really, read it. I can’t steal it.

William McKinley had an official campaign cocktail. An Official. Campaign. Cocktail.

Harry Truman started most days with a shot of bourbon and a massage. The only man to ever nuke anyone didn’t play around.

Finally, if LBJ had been president when MADD was founded… they would not have gotten along. For why, and plenty of other good stuff, click the link.

Breakthrough Science! You Can’t Drink Through Your Feet

Copyright: nobilior / 123RF Stock Photo
Feet—You drink with the other end, people!
Source

To follow me on this, you will need to accept two fairly unbelievable things:

  1. There are people in Denmark who spread around the urban myth that if you soak your feet in booze, you will get drunk.
  2. There are scientists in Denmark who a few years back had so much free time that they conducted a scientific study to determine this myth’s validity, then wrote up their findings and published them.

The world is full of urban myths. (Once upon a time, when we were less urban, we called them old wives’ tales. But now we call them urban myths, because most folks live in cities, and punk kids have outstripped old wives in the too much time on their hands and wild speculation departments.) Often, urban myths spread from their nation of origin to other cities around the world, with hipsters as the primary vector, I believe. The pedal dipsomania myth seems to have remained isolated in Denmark.

This isolation could be a subject of some study as well. I suspect a possible result would be a recommendation to skew national IQ tables to decrease all recorded IQs of Danes by ten.

Heck, while we’re at it, let’s dock everybody from Norway, Sweden, and Finland by five, just for being fellow Scandinavians.

Sorry he did that drive-by to friends, Tiare, but this is about Science™.

Anyway, I think I’m far enough into this post that I won’t spoil things by revealing that they found that no, you cannot get drunk through your feet.

So how did Doctors Hansen, Færch, and Kristensen determine this breakthrough discovery? First, they experimented on themselves, in the grand, selfless humanitarian tradition of Jonas Salk. Our scientific heroes/guinea pigs performed their test by sitting around for three hours with their bare feet soaking in a tub of Slovakian vodka. The primary metric was BAC:

…Blood samples were taken to the laboratory for immediate analysis by the study nurse (and) measured as soon as possible in case of rapid and potentially fatal increases….

Selfless risk-takers in the name of science they may have been, but I’m glad they made sure to be as safe as possible. (Though to be fair, they appear to have been pretty cavalier about the far greater possibility of laughter-induced herniation in the nurse when he or she was told of the protocol for this experiment.)

But wait, this was a rigorous study! A single measurement of drunkenness was insufficient for our intrepid trio. Perhaps this foot-ingested intoxication is undetectable in the bloodstream.

Hey, that makes as much sense as claiming that “toe chugging” will get you drunk in the first place!

The additional metrics were a mix of factual observation and self-evaluation, to wit: Self-confidence, the urge to talk, and spontaneous hugs. The results are represented in the following chart:
Vodka Through the Feet Results
Alas, in these measures as well, the mysterious foot-ingested, bloodstream-avoiding intoxicating effects were essentially invisible.

2011-10-busted
“But I do question how it is that we haven’t done a show segment on this yet….”

The discussion section of the paper outlines some conclusions of various degrees of usefulness, ranging from “Driving or leading a vessel with boots full of vodka seems to be safe”, to “Importantly, students experimenting with transcutaneous alcohol absorption should move on to more relevant activities.”

When you translate that last one from Faculty to English, you get “Go out to a bar, have a drink, and meet some people. You will never get laid sitting around a lab with your bare feet soaking in booze. And if your wise-ass roommate has filled your shoes with Aquavit, don’t worry. It’s still safe to drive.”
My Faculty is a bit rusty, so I just copy and pasted that directly from Google Translate….

I do want to note that this study, while new to me, is Old™. I got it from Seriously Science’s Flashback Friday. I’ll leave you with an expansion on the scary thought with which they finish their introduction. I’m not sure about the development-to-market time-frame in the infused spirits industry, but if anyone in the vodka biz reads this piece, we could be seeing this ad any damn day now….

Pinnacle Fødder Vodka
Sorry Pinnacle, but you deserve this for making me live in the same world as Cupcake-flavored vodka.

(Seriously, in all honesty these scientists are geniuses. They richly deserved an igNobel Prize for this. They were clearly angling for one, and it is a crime that they lost out to the guys who studied why some patients literally explode during colonoscopies.

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