Category: Funny
Funny, Rule 2, Rule 4

Luke Skywalker’s Behavior as a Bar Patron Proves He is Snoke

luke-force-awakens What if Luke is actually Snoke? Bear with me here. I think that a careful examination of footage from Episode IV will show that this guy has been with the Dark Side of the Force since we first saw him. Don't believe me? Ask any bartender. I got this theory from an excerpt from the Steele Wars podcast with guest Mr. Sunday Movies (embedded at the bottom of this post.) And while I rip off their idea, I'm going to expand on it, upgrading Luke from maker of the dick move to obvious Sith mastermind.

Exhibit A: Luke Simply Enters the Bar

Luke is how old? 16? 17, maybe? I'm pretty sure that he is under age. A seventeen year-old who walks into your average dive bar here on Earth puts the whole operation in jeopardy from the Bureau of Liquor Control. The Cantina is in The Empire. This is how Stormtroopers handle a simple case of suspected receipt of stolen goods. UncleOwen Can you imagine how they'd handle someone they want to make an example of?

Exhibit B: Luke Tries Bringing Undesirables Into the Bar

Really Luke? Droids? In a bar? Have you no social graces? DroidsBar

Exhibit C: Luke Tells His Friends to Piss Off So He Can Get In

The bar straight out discriminates against Threepio and R2. And Luke, who is focused on sneaking in while underage, just outright shoves them back out into the street! LukeBye
Consistency... Your hallmark, it is not!
A true Sith can be evil on both sides of an issue!

Exhibit D: Darth Maul Wouldn't Be This Big of a Jerk When Ordering

Bartenders will take this piece of evidence by itself and scream, "Guilty!" Luke walks up to the bartender, who has his back turned, is clearly in the weeds, and has a room full of patrons who will clearly not take well having their drinks delayed, and grabs his sleeve. LukeOrders This is not cool, folks. And not only was it a Dark Side move a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Luke probably also knew he was setting a bad example for young movie viewers a long time later, in a galaxy far, far away form Tatooine. Don't tell me a Sith isn't capable of projecting his evil beyond the confines of a story he's a fictional character in. They have some serious power, those guys. If you don't think Luke's "dick move" rises to the level of true evil, look at the hapless bartender's reaction. BartenderReacts That is the face of a man who wants to eighty-six punks like Luke three times an hour, but he works in a "hive of scum and villany", so if he did, his tips would suffer or he'd get shot. Instead, Luke has this guy so terrified that the drink he hands over doesn't even kill Luke. This bar serves fifty alien species, at least one thing on offer there would kill this kid. If he wasn't a Sith, of course. Luke, Sith or not, you tug on a bartender's sleeve to order on earth, and your cocktail will at the very least contain 3/4 oz. of saliva.

Exhibit E: Luke Gets Some Dude's Hand Cut Off

Why does the fight start? The (admittedly rough and tumble) patrons to Luke's left quite politely make room for him when he first approaches the bar. So when does the apparent hostility arise? Why, after Luke is such a dick to the bartender![caption width="800" id="attachment_11372" align="aligncenter"] "I have the death sentence in twelve systems, and even I am not as big a dick as you!"[/caption] Luke has to know his behavior is unacceptable to them, but he callously shrugs off their concerns. This quite foreseeably enrages them, but Luke knows he can duck (or be thrown) out of the way and there standing behind him is a galacticly famous wizard with a magic sword. The results for the concerned patrons are predictable... JediMediation ...especially in stories in the Star Wars universe. See? Case closed: Luke is clearly a Sith from moment one. If that is the case, then how do you explain the events of Episodes IV, V, and VI? Clearly, this is Luke getting rid of the Emperor and his own father to clear the way for himself. He then waits until he finds his own henchman. He turns his own nephew to the Dark Side, the disappears to the shadows while Ren wreaks havoc on a helpless galaxy. All the while, controlling him through the simple expedient of a fake, Wizard of Oz-type hologram as "Snoke".[caption width="800" id="attachment_11378" align="aligncenter"] "Pay no attention to the Jedi behind the curtain!"[/caption] It's air-tight. You know you can't argue with logic. Luke is Snoke. abc
Funny, Gin, Recipes, Rule 5, Tiki Month 2016

MxMo CVI: Rickey’s Gin Dugout

Rickeys Rum Dugout MxMo-Tiki-ThumbMixology Monday One Hundred and Six! This month's theme is "Spring Break". One of my favorite Twitter follows, Joel DiPippa, is hosting the rodeo this time around at the Southern Ash blog. The reasoning behind Joel's theme this month is similar to my rationale for having Tiki Month in February: We are done with Winter. Even a mild one like this one. (Shut up Washingtonians! You had it coming.) We are invited to present a liquid interpretation of what Spring Break means to us, to hurry along that blessed celebration of the return of Spring. So what does Spring Break mean to me? The classic, Hollywood-approved image of the holiday is of beach parties with people like this. [caption id="attachment_11022" align="aligncenter" width="750"]Sadly, all the ice in her Navy Grog seems to have melted... Sadly, all the ice in her Navy Grog seems to have melted...[/caption] Or these fine beach party goers... [caption id="attachment_11025" align="aligncenter" width="750"]You didn't think I'd get through a Tiki Month without a Rule 5 post, did you? You didn't think I'd get through a Tiki Month without a Rule 5 post, did you?[/caption] One more image of the classic Spring Break, because rule 5 posts at the Pegu Blog always serve up something for everyone: [caption id="attachment_11026" align="aligncenter" width="750"]I apologize to the ladies for that girl who is in the way... I apologize to the ladies for that girl who is in the way...[/caption] Do these images work for me? No. (Well...) By "no" I mean that I grew up on the beach. In the South. Beach vacations in March always seemed a bit silly to me, so I never partook in the whole "Mardi Gras outside Miami" thing. For me, the actual arrival of Spring is more associated with being able to get outside and (try to) hit the tennis ball. [caption id="attachment_11027" align="aligncenter" width="750"]Not pictured: Me Not pictured: Me[/caption] And my tennis drink, the single most refreshing sports beverage there is, is the venerable Gin Rickey. Gin, ice, soda. Done. It quenches thirst, drives away cramps, and softens the memory of that overhead you just butchered (possibly because this is your second Gin Rickey). But this MxMo comes in the middle of Tiki Month, so I've spent quite a bit of time figuring out how to make a Tiki Gin Rickey. (And figure out a good name that wasn't already cruelly plagiarized from me four years before I myself thought of it.) It is harder than it looks. Crossing a Rickey with a Tiki drink is a bit like crossing a peach with an aardvark. There isn't a lot of common ground. Rickey's are simple, clean, and strident. Tiki drinks are complex, indefinable, and melodious. I ended up keeping most of the clean simplicity of the Rickey, added a few classic Tiki background notes, and for judging purposes gave it the most ridiculously over the top presentation I could come up with.
  • 2 oz. Bombay Sapphire Gin
  • 1/2 oz. fresh lime juice
  • 1/2 oz. homemade falernum
  • 4 oz. Perrier
Cut a whole pineapple in half and very carefully hollow out the fruit. When you accidentally poke a hole in it anyway, discard and repeat with the other half of the pineapple. Fill with small or crushed ice. Build in gin, lime, and falernum. Top with Perrier and stir. Serve on a tray with sides to catch the spill if the pineapple rolls over.
Yes, it's ridiculous. But I couldn't shake the image of playing tennis in an Hawaiian shirt, then casually sipping from a pineapple half on changeovers... [caption id="attachment_11028" align="aligncenter" width="675"]"Man, could I use a Rickey's Rum Dugout right about now!" "Man, could I use a Rickey's Gin Dugout right about now!"[/caption] Now, the thing is, I succeeded beyond my expectations. This drink really kind of works, so I had to go back and do a practical version that you might make as something other than a lark. RRD
  • 2 oz. Bombay Sapphire
  • 1/2 oz. fresh lime juice
  • 1/2 oz. falernum
  • 1/4 oz. pulpy fresh pineapple juice
  • 4 oz. Perrrier
Build in an old-fashioned glass with a semi-circle of pineapple and crushed ice.
It's my first MxMo in ages, folks! I'll try to not be such a stranger. abc