Category - Vodka

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Breakthrough Science! You Can’t Drink Through Your Feet
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Blogger Spots Ill-Thought Out Liquor Product in Local Store
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SideBlog: Facial Reconstruction of the Crystal Head Vodka Bottle
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What To Do With That Bar Kit You Got For Christmas

Breakthrough Science! You Can’t Drink Through Your Feet

Copyright: nobilior / 123RF Stock Photo
Feet—You drink with the other end, people!
Source

To follow me on this, you will need to accept two fairly unbelievable things:

  1. There are people in Denmark who spread around the urban myth that if you soak your feet in booze, you will get drunk.
  2. There are scientists in Denmark who a few years back had so much free time that they conducted a scientific study to determine this myth’s validity, then wrote up their findings and published them.

The world is full of urban myths. (Once upon a time, when we were less urban, we called them old wives’ tales. But now we call them urban myths, because most folks live in cities, and punk kids have outstripped old wives in the too much time on their hands and wild speculation departments.) Often, urban myths spread from their nation of origin to other cities around the world, with hipsters as the primary vector, I believe. The pedal dipsomania myth seems to have remained isolated in Denmark.

This isolation could be a subject of some study as well. I suspect a possible result would be a recommendation to skew national IQ tables to decrease all recorded IQs of Danes by ten.

Heck, while we’re at it, let’s dock everybody from Norway, Sweden, and Finland by five, just for being fellow Scandinavians.

Sorry he did that drive-by to friends, Tiare, but this is about Science™.

Anyway, I think I’m far enough into this post that I won’t spoil things by revealing that they found that no, you cannot get drunk through your feet.

So how did Doctors Hansen, Færch, and Kristensen determine this breakthrough discovery? First, they experimented on themselves, in the grand, selfless humanitarian tradition of Jonas Salk. Our scientific heroes/guinea pigs performed their test by sitting around for three hours with their bare feet soaking in a tub of Slovakian vodka. The primary metric was BAC:

…Blood samples were taken to the laboratory for immediate analysis by the study nurse (and) measured as soon as possible in case of rapid and potentially fatal increases….

Selfless risk-takers in the name of science they may have been, but I’m glad they made sure to be as safe as possible. (Though to be fair, they appear to have been pretty cavalier about the far greater possibility of laughter-induced herniation in the nurse when he or she was told of the protocol for this experiment.)

But wait, this was a rigorous study! A single measurement of drunkenness was insufficient for our intrepid trio. Perhaps this foot-ingested intoxication is undetectable in the bloodstream.

Hey, that makes as much sense as claiming that “toe chugging” will get you drunk in the first place!

The additional metrics were a mix of factual observation and self-evaluation, to wit: Self-confidence, the urge to talk, and spontaneous hugs. The results are represented in the following chart:
Vodka Through the Feet Results
Alas, in these measures as well, the mysterious foot-ingested, bloodstream-avoiding intoxicating effects were essentially invisible.

2011-10-busted
“But I do question how it is that we haven’t done a show segment on this yet….”

The discussion section of the paper outlines some conclusions of various degrees of usefulness, ranging from “Driving or leading a vessel with boots full of vodka seems to be safe”, to “Importantly, students experimenting with transcutaneous alcohol absorption should move on to more relevant activities.”

When you translate that last one from Faculty to English, you get “Go out to a bar, have a drink, and meet some people. You will never get laid sitting around a lab with your bare feet soaking in booze. And if your wise-ass roommate has filled your shoes with Aquavit, don’t worry. It’s still safe to drive.”
My Faculty is a bit rusty, so I just copy and pasted that directly from Google Translate….

I do want to note that this study, while new to me, is Old™. I got it from Seriously Science’s Flashback Friday. I’ll leave you with an expansion on the scary thought with which they finish their introduction. I’m not sure about the development-to-market time-frame in the infused spirits industry, but if anyone in the vodka biz reads this piece, we could be seeing this ad any damn day now….

Pinnacle Fødder Vodka
Sorry Pinnacle, but you deserve this for making me live in the same world as Cupcake-flavored vodka.

(Seriously, in all honesty these scientists are geniuses. They richly deserved an igNobel Prize for this. They were clearly angling for one, and it is a crime that they lost out to the guys who studied why some patients literally explode during colonoscopies.

Blogger Spots Ill-Thought Out Liquor Product in Local Store

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The product development team in question here, shown servicing their car….

I was out shopping for rum the other day, and as I passed down the aisle of the liquor store, my eyes fell upon an eye-catching bottle that I didn’t recognize. It was in the brandy section, so I bent down to examine closer, and my eyes beheld the following product: Twenty Grand Vodka Infused with Cognac. The shelf tag, in addition to revealing that this new item was already marked down, proclaimed it to be “Good as Money.” Apparently two dollars a bottle less money than initially thought…


I squatted there in the middle of aisle, stunned. My mind whirled, trying to grasp how you could make a product that, aside from its merely tacky vessel, is stupid in nearly every possible way.

Let’s start with the marketing stuff. The name is Twenty Grand. Um. Why? Is this some magical number that the Culture has decided is the price of class?

Well, it might be.
An old guy like you would probably have missed a cultural marker like that….

Well, if so, the Culture is wrong. Unlike anyone misfortunate enough to purchase this product, I have actually had twenty grand in ready funds lying around from time to time during my long toil upon this Earth. At none of those times did the “Beautiful People”, despite my culturally significant bank balance, “Hit Up” “My Digits” with invitations to go clubbing.

Hmmm…
Perhaps the beautiful people are not as dumb as they look.

Further, what kind of catchphrase is “Good as Money”? Have you seen money? I’m not drinking anything like that.

CT  CT cons-save-dirty-money0001.jpg
Shown above: Money—possibly after a night of drinking its alleged liquid equivalent.
Photo: Chicago Tribune

I’ll forgive, or at least leave aside, the bottle’s stopper, which looks like a cheap doorknob and is nearly as big, because it is not totally hideous at first glance, and because I like stoppers on liquor bottles and like to encourage the practice.
Instead, I will put on my Font Nazi hat and bitch about the label instead.

20-grand label
Click image for full-sized detail of this mess.

What the hell is this supposed to be, with all the background engraving, faux aged border, and “anti-counterfeiting features”, a bearer bond? Now, I will grant that, given the whole Good as Money theme, it is a clever conceit. But a bond like this should have little coupons that you tear off each time you consume an ounce of this fluid. Turn in a label’s worth of coupons and get a pony or something. Because anyone sad enough to have drunk a bottle’s worth of this is sad enough to deserve a pony.

This is the frilliest main font ever devised by man. At full size, it is nearly impossible to read, and when it suddenly changes color and shrinks toward the bottom it becomes not so much illegible and practically invisible. Then we get an abrupt, pointless typeface change for the one word on the bottle that you could read from the other side of a bar, especially in bad lighting after a round or two. You are changing the typeface and color on your label in the middle of the name of your product? Or is the name simply Twenty Grand, with “vodka infused with cognac” being the product type?

And what a confusing product type that is! Is 20K a vodka or a cognac? A dessert topping or a floor wax? As their website asks, “uptown or downtown”? It sure looks like they want it to be a Cognac. It is the only legible word on the label. The bottle and stopper, and the material inside all look Cognac-y. But it is worded like it is an infused vodka. Does half the team think that it has to be a “vodka” because that’s all the Wall Street suits who are funding them want, while the other half think the only people who will buy it want “cognac”? Perhaps the group all met in Synergy 224 while getting their MBAs. Most likely, honesty (with some help from the FTC) compelled them to call it Vodka infused with Cognac.

And now we get to the meat of the issue. The actual alcoholic beverage inside the bottle.
An important disclaimer here: This is a totally unfair post, in that I have not actually consumed any Twenty Grand myself. I am not going to. Don’t send me any. My liver only has so many miles left in it, and I won’t waste so much as one of them on Twenty Grand Avenue.
I don’t actually have to taste it, because Mr. Vuitton has. Mr. Vuitton is a YouTuber who vlogs about Louis Vuitton products from his blank-walled apartment with laundry stacked on top of his Louis Vuitton bags in the background, all while wearing Ed Hardy shirts.
His video review of Twenty G will either be the best or worst 11 minutes of your life you have ever spent on YouTube.

Whether you watched that or not, I’ll discuss it a bit as a lead back to my thoughts on Twenty Grand. First, how about that cinematography? I’ve never seen a clearly practiced and polished video style that consists of a continuous, unedited mirror selfie shot which keeps the phone unerringly blocking the view of his mouth. I genuinely admire his dedication to his craft. He held that phone up for eleven minutes! My arms would fall off. But then I’m old.

The video tells a tale actually—the tale of a man who may not have the most extensive liquor knowledge, but who does in fact appear to have a fine and developed sense of taste and smell. It is a tale of a man who is excited by a new product, who tries it for the first time on camera, only to discover that the phrase Good as Money is true in the sense that I spoke of above. Our hero doesn’t want to be mean…

You used to be like that,
didn’t you, Doug?

He doesn’t want to be mean as the stuff assaults those excellent senses of taste and smell, or perhaps he just doesn’t want to admit to himself or his viewers that he has wasted twenty seven dollars that likely tasted better than the Twenty Grand in the bottle.
Some epic, revealing quotes:

It’s a vodka, obviously. [Snif]Yeah. Ah…damn. Yeah. It’s… of course, the smell is alcohol. [grimace] Yeah… it’s, uh, it’s gonna be rough, guys! Sh*t…

[Sip]Yeah. [Forced grimace] It’s sweet. It’s, um, really, really sweet. There’s an, um, thickness to it. It’s is definitely not vodka. It doesn’t taste like vodka. Doesn’t feel like vodka.

Yeah. I can taste the vodka. More like vodka and… syrup. You could really call this “vodka, mixed with honey” or syrup…

The earnest hope in his voice when he decides to throw in some ice is endearing.

Yeah, I’m sure this will be… This’ll be definitely a lot better.

You will be shocked to watch as his hopes are dashed.

I kept thinking I’d abandon the video after each new moment of pathos, but it just kept on going so hilariously I couldn’t stop. Bear with the attempt to remove the plastic shrink-wrap from the stopper with one hand, while the other holds the phone, the rest is worth it.

Listen, I feel for the guy. I’ve searched desperately a time or two to find something nice to say about a dog product, either on this blog or in person. I just think he should learn that it is wise to know what you are reviewing before you review it, especially if you are going to act as if it is live TV.

As I said before, Mr. Vuitton appears to have a much better senses of taste and smell than I ever had, but I knew what he was going to taste before he ever opened that bottle, and I (again) have never experienced the stuff. Because old age and experience beat youth and talent every day. Before my brain had finished processing what I was looking at in that aisle, I knew. The words Early Times were flashing in my brain.

Scores of bottles in that same store that call themselves Blended American Whiskey could just as well have labeled themselves as Vodka infused with Bourbon. They look just like Bourbon, just as 20K looks just like Cognac. The marketing theory behind blended whiskies is that they are smoother and more approachable than the full straight stuff. The truth is that vodka is cheap as hell to make, and faster than it is cheap.

Twenty Grand is not vodka infused with cognac, it is cognac diluted with vodka, at somewhere between 1:1 and 6:1 vodka. But vodka is clear and flavorless, so if that’s all you served up, you’d have a very pale-looking and pale-tasting product. To get the color and flavor back, blenders add colorants and flavorants, mostly caramels of one type or another, to the mix in an attempt to counterfeit the natural ones occurring in the wood-aged product of the base premium liquor.

American blended whiskey makers have had decades of experience and the millions spent in the Lost Laboratories of Seagram’s Gone By to perfect the mix of sugars and colorants needed to make a pleasing and visually satisfying counterfeit for a light bourbon.
Twenty Grand? The color is perfect. To my knowledge, this is the first Blended French Brandy of its kind, and I doubt that the good folks at Citispiritz of Wilson, Wyoming have the kind of resources needed to reproduce the decades and millions it took to get as far as Early Times. Bravo to them for trying, I suppose. Or jeers to them for giving the Pernod-Ricards of the world ideas….

A final disclaimer: As I said, I haven’t tasted the product myself. And Twenty Grand has absolutely the least informative liquor product website to be found on the web. It consists of good photography, bad recipes, and no frigging text to speak of at all! My description of what 20K is and how it is made is merely my own informed speculation. And if you can’t get Twenty Grand Vodka infused with Cognac near you, perhaps you could find their new product: Twenty Grand Rosé. It is vodka infused with flat Rosé Champagne!

SideBlog: Facial Reconstruction of the Crystal Head Vodka Bottle

Crystal Head Bottle Facial Reconstruction
Forensic facial reconstruction done on the Crystal Head Vodka bottle. Yes, he’s appropriately creepy.
Via Manhattans Project

What To Do With That Bar Kit You Got For Christmas

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So you got a kit of bartender tools for Christmas. Great! Good for you.

Now, make me a drink.
A good one.

Right. Now that you’ve gotten some proper tools, it is time to set aside the Long Island Iced Teas and Rum and Cokes and develop a new repertoire of offerings to show that your knowledge has been upgraded just as much as your equipment.

My nephew/apprentice suggested I do a quick rundown of easy, classic drinks that can give you an idea of what you can do with those new bar tools. You can find all of these all over the web, and in books of course. But this is a good list that covers the major spirits, and gives you a quick overview of the sort of flavors sophisticated, well-made cocktails can offer you and your friends.

The Simple Daiquiri

Spiffy New Tools Used: Shaker, Juicer, Jiggers (Hawthorne Strainer)

Make this guy first. Yes, I know a blender wasn’t included in your bar kit. You don’t use a blender to make a real Daiquiri. I suggest you start with a real Dauquiri because virtually everyone will like it, and it teaches the most essential home-made ingredient you will need to “master” to make great cocktails: Simple syrup.

To make simple syrup, put 1.5 cups of refined white sugar in a small pot on the stove. Add 1 cup of water. Do not stir at any time. Bring the pot just to a clear, roiling boil, and kill the heat. Once it is cool, you are done. For a few cents, you’ve produced something that people pay eight bucks for. You can increase or decrease the amount of sugar you use in the mix as you get used to using simple, and decide how sweet you like your drinks. Simple will last quite a while in your fridge. If you add in an ounce of vodka as a preservative, it will last every bit as long as you need.

DAIQUIRI

  • 3 parts light rum
  • 1 part fresh squeezed lime juice
  • 3/4 part simple sugar

Pour all ingredients in your shaker and add plenty of ice. Shake it until the tin is very cold in your hand. Use whatever strainer you received to strain the frothy, icy mix into a cocktail glass. The garnish is traditionally a wedge or wheel of lime.

All the recipes in this post will be in “parts” rather than specific measurements. What matters when you make a cocktail, any cocktail, is the ratio between ingredients. How big a part is depends on how large your glasses are, and how many drinks you are making at once. More importantly, you can easily adjust any recipe to your personal taste by modifying the ratios. Many people like a 2:1:1/2 Daiquiri, which will be much more sour. The point is, put in some effort to determine what ratios you like. And since you are putting in this effort to get those ratios right, measure your ingredients. That’s why you have those fancy jiggers or measuring cups in your kit!

The Mighty Manhattan

Spiffy new tools used: Stirring pitcher, bar spoon, jiggers, julep strainer

Learn to make good Manhattans to impress the older, very experienced drinkers in your life. Show skill in making these, and a significant portion of the people who employ people in the world will take you just a bit more seriously. And while you are at it, slip one to your younger friends as well. You will open their eyes.

The Manhattan can be made with most any North American aged whiskey. But you will likely only be happy with one made with either bourbon or American rye whiskey. This is a bold drink, and benefits from the bolder flavors in those spirits. While you are learning, I’d use bourbon, as you can get a drinkable call brand (e.g. Maker’s Mark) for less than an equivalent rye. Once you know what you are doing, buy a bottle of good rye. Lots of us think it makes the superior Manhattan.

MANHATTAN

  • 4 parts quality American whiskey
  • 1 part Italian vermouth (the sweet, red stuff)
  • Angostura Bitters, dash to taste

Combine ingredients in mixing vessel. Add ice and gently stir a good long time. Strain into a cocktail class and garnish with a single brandied cherry.

There are three things to learn from making this drink.
First, the vermouth makes this drink. And with vermouth, you generally get what you pay for. Spring for the good stuff like Dolin, or Antica Formula if you can get it. And buy it in the smallest bottle you can, because vermouth is a wine, not a liqueur. It goes bad after opening… fast. Keep it in the fridge, and you may get a month out of it before it turns on your drink. As a home bartender, you will pour out a lot of vermouth. Get used to this. The ratio of whiskey to vermouth will vary greatly from drinker to drinker.

Second, learn to dash bitters. Do not tentatively tip the bottle over the vessel and jerk back when the first hesitant drops seep out. Similarly, don’t just let it pour. A dash is a big, swift, sweeping motion, followed by a quick return to upright. Bitters a cheap. Practice. And clean up the inevitable spills at once, or you will need a scouring pad, because it stains. Start with three dashes in your Manhattan until you know what you like.

Third. Do not ever shake a Manhattan. Don’t make me come over there.

The Quintessential Martini

Spiffy New Tools Used: Stirring pitcher, bar spoon, jiggers, julep strainer

This is a gin drink, padawan. Put down the vodka. If you’ve never drunk gin before, I suggest that you try a different gin drink to learn to love the spirit. And if you do drink gin, but have not had a Martini you like, try it again, made right, with fresh, good vermouth. Everything I said about sweet vermouth above, goes double for dry vermouth.

DRY MARTINI

  • 3 parts gin
  • 1 part French vermouth (the dry, white stuff)
  • Orange bitters

Combine ingredients in your mixing vessel and stir you long time, Joe. Strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with either an olive or a long twist of lemon peel.

Making your Martini is very similar to making a Manhattan.

James Bond and Goldfinger discuss lasers“Do you expect me to talk?
“No, Mr. Bond! I expect you to stir your damned Martinis!”

Martinis are the diamonds of the cocktail world. Like diamonds, the freer they are of inclusions, the more valuable. Shaking a Martini leaves bubbles and shards of ice on the surface. This would be great if your intent is to drown Leonardo DiCaprio in there, but not if you want to drink it. Not only is a stirred Martini more beautiful, it will taste better, as the bubbles injected by shaking will mask and muddle the flavors.
And yes, a really good Martini should have a dash or two of orange bitters in it. You won’t be able to taste them, but you will be able to taste the difference. People who don’t drink Martinis will happily drink your Martinis.

The Sumptuous Sidecar

Spiffy New Tools Used: Shaker, Juicer, Jiggers (Hawthorne Strainer)

This is a drink every bartender knows how to make, but since few have any idea how to make one well, it is one you can really show off with. It is a brandy drink, so be careful about what you use. Good brandy (sorry America, that usually means French cognac) gets pricy fast, and will be wasted in a Sidecar. But crappy brandy is just a shame in any terms. Keep a bottle of something French with the letters “VS” on it around, and you’ll be golden.

SIDECAR

  • 3 parts cognac
  • 1 part Cointreau or other high-end orange liqueur
  • 1 part fresh squeezed lemon juice

Combine in the shaker with ice and give it a good shaking until your hands are cold. Strain into a cocktail glass half-rimmed with superfine sugar.

Wait!
You told them shaking is all bad n’ stuff!

It is… sometimes. Other times it is essential. Here is a general rule that will go further to make you a cocktail expert than any other:

If all the ingredients in your drink are clear, then you stir it. If anything is cloudy or viscous (e.g. dairy or citrus) then you shake it.

As with the lime in the Daiquiri above, the lemon juice will make the Sidecar cloudy anyway. And opaque ingredients can leave the drink mottled in appearance if you only stir them.
Squeeze your own citrus juice. You will quickly learn there is a noticeable difference.
Sidecars traditionally have a sugared rim, but some people don’t like the extra sweet. Whenever you rim any glass with sugar, or salt as with a Margarita, rim only half to two-thirds of the way around, so drinkers who don’t want the rim won’t have to partake.

The Not-Really-So-Girly Cosmopolitan

Spiffy New Tools Used: Shaker, Juicer, Jiggers (Hawthorne Strainer)

This is probably the greatest vodka cocktail ever invented. And no, a well-made Cosmo is not necessarily a girly drink. Listen guys, if you aren’t manly enough to enjoy a pink drink that is this good, well, you are no man.

COSMOPOLITAN

  • 3 parts vodka
  • 1 part Cointreau
  • 1/2 part fresh lime juice
  • 1 part cranberry juice cocktail

Combine ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake gently until chilly. Strain into a cocktail glass and garnish with a lime wedge.

This is a good drink to examine to understand that ratios are guidelines. Depending on the cranberry juice brand you use, all of these numbers can change. And of course, your desires for color, sourness, and cranberry-ness will also affect how you put this one together. My ratios here will give a pretty tart, colorful Cosmo. That said, the recipe is pretty bullet-proof. Just understand that the ingredients matter here. Cheap vodka will taste like crap. (Super-expensive vodka will taste exactly the same as the twenty dollar stuff in this and most other drinks.)
Do not use Rose’s or sourmix instead of fresh lime. Do not use triple sec instead of Cointreau. Use good cranberry.

Do not let the sweet pink color and gentle alcoholic impression make you forget that this is a full-power cocktail. Be safe.

The Old-Fashioned Old Fashioned

Spiffy New Tools Used: Bar spoon, jiggers, vegetable peeler

The Old Fashioned is a drink that is actually easier to make well than it is is to make crappily. Yet every day, thousands of crappy Old Fashioneds are offered to hapless drinkers. Why has this become the norm? Bad booze, that’s why. Don’t let bad booze happen to you.
The first thing you are going to notice about my recipe is that there are no orange wedges or maraschino cherries to be seen. A disgusting mass of crushed fruit is not part of a true Old Fashioned Cocktail. People started adding all that fruit because they were making the drink with liquors like Early Times. Booze like that needs something to cover it up. But if you are using good liquor, why not appreciate it?

OLD FASHIONED COCKTAIL

  • 4 parts high-quality brown liquor
  • 1 part simple syrup
  • several good dashes of Angostura or other complimentary bitters

Pour ingredients over ice in a low glass. Stir in the glass to get a good melt on the ice. Garnish with a long slice of orange peel, removed from the fruit with your veggie peeler.

That’s it! No muddling, no useless soda water. This is a quick, easy, extremely high-quality cocktail. After a few years of drinks learning, you may well settle on this as your “Gawd! I’m in no mood for crap, but I need a drink now!” tipple.
Most people use bourbon in an Old Fashioned. It is an American invention, and bourbon is the American spirit. But most any good quality aged spirit will make a delicious Old Fashioned. For my part, I make a slight majority of my Old Fashioneds with good quality rum. Knock the sugar down a bit when using rum, or if your bourbon is of the sweeter variety.

The Merry Mojito

Spiffy New Tools Used: Bar spoon, jiggers, muddler

One last suggestion, since you may well have gotten a muddler in your tool kit, and as just noted, it should not be used in making Old Fashioneds. This is actually the most complex of these drinks for your first bar kit, but if you make a killer Mojito, and if you do it with style, you will be King come Summertime.

MOJITO

  • 3 parts white rum
  • 1 part fresh lime juice
  • 1 part simple syrup
  • 4 mint leaves per drink

Drop mint and simple syrup into bottom of highball glass. Muddle briefly. Add lime juice and rum, then ice. Top with soda water and give a quick stir. Garnish with more mint and a lime wheel.

Be careful with muddling. Unlike you may have seen in certain rum ads, you need neither arms like Thor’s, nor a half an hour’s free time to muddle one Mojito. You are merely bruising the mint, not crushing or tearing it. If you do crush or tear the mint, you will release not only the essential oils you need for flavor and aroma, but also other, less appetizing chemicals.

Er, the hotties in short dresses dancing on the tables in the video? Also not required… but recommended.

Now, you have your kit of real bar tools. Go out and make yourself some real drinks with them!

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