The funniest, least fair, yet most insightful booze tweet of 2013 so far: “Vodka Expert. That’s like saying you write children’s books, right?”

Over at Art of Drink this month, Darcy dons his white lab coat for some cocktail mad science. Entitled Cognac Oil, his post is an entertaining look at employing some non-traditional ingredients, such as the titular essential oil, to create a non-alcoholic drink that tastes like, well, a drink. It’s a fun post, with some great opportunities for drink-geeking out.

I’m not going to rehash what he does to make his drink. It’s his post, so go read it on his site. The link will open a new tab, so go on. I’ll be here when you get back because I want to talk about why you should be interested.

In his introduction, Darcy touches on this with what he calls his “buzz management concept”. This is something every responsible drinker does in one way or another, and with varying degrees of conscious effort. Simply put, if you want your evening to last long, and end well, you need to drink just enough of the right strength of drinks to let the alcohol take effect… without taking over. For a variety of reasons, this can be difficult.

You can always nurse your drink, but with possible exception of red wine, this is almost always unsatisfactory. The great Savoy barman Harry Craddock famously said, “The way to drink a cocktail is quickly, while it is still laughing at you.” Nurse a cocktail, and it gets warm. It was designed and balanced for consumption cold, and almost no up drink will taste as good once it starts to warm. Nurse a rocks drink and it may stay cold, but it will get watery. Ditto on the effects on the flavor there.

You could just go home (or go to bed if you are already there) the moment you reach your safe, effective limit. The less said about this ridiculous option, the better. The chief benefit of social drinking is the social bit. If you shut down just when things get good,you might as well have just curled up with a good book instead. It’s cheaper.

You can always mix in something non-alcoholic between in each round. Some suggest a glass of water between each drink as a way to slow you down and keep you hydrated to ward off some of the hangover. But water is boring, and well fish f*ck in it. You could try a “mocktail” or Preggatini, but I find them usually unsuitable for this task. Many are delicious, but usually they are far too sweet, and almost none offer the balance and depth of a good mixed drink. Very few non-alcoholic concoctions offer any reward if you take a moment to ignore a boring stretch of the conversation and just savor your third sip.

Fixing this last is what Darcy is trying to accomplish with his cognac-esque no or low-alcohol cocktail: An evening extender that you can consume in like manner to a full throttle one. This is a worthy goal, and one every ambitious bartender on Earth should work on too.

Face it folks, booze is a powerful thing. Too much will result in, at best, a bad morning and some embarrassment. But enough, especially if you maintain the right balance between consumption and metabolization, is even more powerful. Moderate drinkers may be more intelligent, and are certainly more creative. Drink well, and rule the world. Drunk too much, and destroy it. Darcy’s just trying to save the world, folks.

I’ll leave you with this little cautionary tale about the power of being just exactly one and a half drinks in, which Darcy’s post led me to recall. (Not safe for work because of mild language and your loud laughter.)

The best cocktail post ever; overpowering recipes and photography! Give it up fellow cocktail bloggers. We’ll never equal this.

So, Clint Eastwood showed up at the Republican National Convention last night to endorse Mitt Romney… and The Pegu Blog ensued.
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Blogging Rule 5, the (in)judicious use of sexy images to draw attention is considered by most to be a staple of booze advertising as well. “Sex Sells” after all, right?

This new ad from Sauza Blue Tequila, a Rule 5 treat for the female readers, illustrates perfectly an important corollary of Rule 5 for advertisers, and because it does, it is well worth watching for the guys, too.

See? Now that is funny folks. And that is what an overtly sexually-tinged booze ad has to be.

I think there are a couple of reasons for this phenomenon. First and foremost, both men and women buy hooch, and if you just do a straight appeal to below-the-gut, you will usually end up appealing to only one sex or the other. Worse, you may well end up turning off the gender not targeted. Make those folks at least laugh, and everyone feels OK.

Second, humor engages the brain, which I imagine is important to an advertiser. Effective sexual imagery kinda shuts it down, no?

Well,
the big brain at least!

If the mind is too focused on “desire”, there is little room for assessing the product on offer, which is why a lot of very sexy ads ultimately fail. Humor breaks up the focus, letting the mind wander over and ponder the ad, if only briefly. But that broadening is likely what your mind needs to remember that there is even a tequila bottle in this ad to begin with.

Plus, kittens!

In the waning hours of Tiki Month, I made a few comments about how nice it was to have so many comments over so many posts, and noted that there aren’t enough comments in general on cocktail blogs. Mine especially, alas.

I’ve been thinking about it since, and come to the conclusion that this is not completely bad. Let’s discuss what would happen if the comment sections of the Cocktailosphere looked like YouTube or your average political blog….

The first thing to understand about our comment sections is that they are sparse mostly because of our existing traffic levels. Fewer readers by extension leads to fewer comments. To understand the difference in scale, this is the first year my traffic is high enough that a single link from political/cool stuff aggregator Instapundit would not be 25% of my annual hits.
The first problem with lots of comments is this guy:

followed swiftly by this guy:

Of course, I would never have this particular visitor, but some of my fellow bloggers would quickly become close, personal friends with this guy:

The real fun would begin as a larger commenter base would inevitably lead to controversy…

1. 7

   Bob Says:
   August 15th, 2012 at 7:27 pm
   I dunno. I think that you’re using too much lemon juice there.

2. 8

   Steve Says:
   August 15th, 2012 at 8:08 pm
   Forget the lemon juice issue. This just seems like a bit of a waste of good Glenfiddich.

3. 9

   Caps Lock Guy Says:
   August 15th, 2012 at 8:09 pm
   IT IS AN ABOMINATION TO MIX SINGLE MALT WITH ANYTHING!! INCLUDING ICE!!!

4. 10

   Caps Lock Guy Says:
   August 15th, 2012 at 8:10 pm
   EVEN MELTED ICE!

Bloggers with controversy in their comments love it because, as Rule 4 says, controversy drives traffic. But what kind of controversy would really take hold on cocktail blogs?

1. 3

   CosmoGirl8675309 Says:
   August 25th, 2012 at 9:27 pm
   Thanks for this review on the new Aputure Vodka. I’ve been wanting to try it.

2. 4

   Trudy Says:
   August 25th, 2012 at 10:08 pm
   My state’s Liquor control bored doesn’t let them sell it here! Some friends and me are organizing a protest outside their headquarters. Who’s with us? #OccupyLiquorStores

3. 5

   The Vodkatologist Says:
   August 25th, 2012 at 10:11 pm
   Honestly, how you can recommend this pisswater with a straight face is beyond me. It says very little for your abilities as a reviewer. I see you didn’t even mention that they make this… fluid with potatoes and wheat. How anyone thinks they can get away with selling anything other pure RYE vodka to today’s sophisticated drinker is completely beyond my ken. Did they PAY you to not mention the wheat? Did they?

4. 6

   Clint Says:
   August 25th, 2012 at 10:20 pm
   Another rant from your twisted mind about rye, Vodkatologist. Give it up, potato is the only proper base for liquor.

5. 7

   Matt Robold Says:
   August 25th, 2012 at 10:21 pm
   There is simply no hope for any of you people.

One of the good things about real cocktail blog comments is that most commentators are civil and knowledgeable. With 300 commenters on a single post, this will end… because there aren’t 300 civil and knowledgeable people on the internet.

1. 45

   Skipper Says:
   August 5th, 2012 at 11:27 pm
   I fail to see why you want us to use so many damn ingredients in this drink. I seems like you could replace everything but the orgeat with blackberry brandy and you’re done.

2. 4

   JerseyGuy Says:
   August 5th, 2012 at 11:28 pm
   Fag.

And of course, with this sort of discussion, The Rule would make an appearance.

1. 23

   CosmoGirl8675309 Says:
   September 7th, 2012 at 8:27 pm
   I wish you hadn’t posted this recipe. I had only seven of them last week at a bar and I threw up!

2. 24

   Trudy Says:
   September 7th, 2012 at 8:33 pm
   I know girl! And what kind of bar throws you out fur just a little spew in the corner?
   Violet Hour suxxx.

3. 25

   Skippy77 Says:
   September 7th, 2012 at 8:39 pm
   You blew chunks in the middle of Violet Hour?!?
   They should have thrown you out long before you spewed, you lush!

4. 26

   Clint Says:
   September 7th, 2012 at 8:41 pm
   Hey! THEIR DRINK WERE WHAT MADE ME THROW UP! PEOPLE PUKE IN BARS! WHAT KIND OF HITLER OPERATION THROWS PEEPS FOR DOING WHAT COMES NATURAL?

5. 27

   Godwin Says:
   September 7th, 2012 at 8:42 pm
   Invoked….

This is only a sample. Help me out in the comments with some of your dreams nightmares of what Cocktailosphere comments would look like with ten times the traffic.

Sh*t Bartenders Say:

Midcentury exotica didn’t just cater to suburban fantasies of work-free islands and guilt-free sex. There was also the call of adventure, epitomized by these classic “dangerous” drinks: if the sharks didn’t eat you, the cannibals would.
—Beachbum Berry Beachbum Berry Remixed, Pg. 86

I told you that quote would be back.

When I previously used that to introduce the Sidewinder’s Fang, Tiki Month participant DJ Hawaiianshirt replied in the comments, “I didn’t know the tiki/exotica fantasy involved guilt-free sex; that’s news to me.” That gives me a perfect opportunity to do this post, which I will tuck beneath the fold on the main page, because, well…. Rule 5, and lots of it. And one little NSFW example.
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I’ve been in a bit of a blogging funk of late, with all sorts of posts piled up in the draft folder and none ready to post. So I thought I’d put up this little palate-cleanser to make folks smile and perhaps be a bit of a slump-buster….

Beer ads have for a long time been sort of the pinnacle in advertising, booze or otherwise, of the Sex Sells meme. Whenever a latter day Don Draper comes up with a ridiculously over the top sexy idea, his agency just puts beers in the participants’ hands and pitches it to Budweiser or Miller. Every once in a while the result is pure, trashy genius. Most of the time, it is pretty much trashy hackery.

Of course, sometimes, Don’s descendants’ imaginations get a little carried away. The following Guinness advertisement is a case in point. Once conceived, it had to be made. But it was never gonna air. I should advise you that this is very likely not safe for work. (But if you are at work, is this or any other cocktail blog all that safe a site to be surfing in the first place?)

Frankly, I’m not sure where to categorize this one. It is definitely trashy, but it is also pretty clever in how it forces speculation on the part of the viewer. The mind is engaged on this. But I’m thinking it wouldn’t move that much Guinness, because while you are perhaps supposed to focus on the bottle and why it doesn’t fall over, that is not what most people are going to be furiously trying to work out in their heads. What do you think?

A tip of the hat to the the good folks at Cracked for this one. Their article has six other ads that similarly were way beyond the pale. I recommend the post, but for the love of God, do not play or even read about Number 5!

The magic here isn’t the result of distilling grain or grape, but of distilling the last three years or so of cocktail trends. This little video, produced using Xtranormal, was written by Phillip Duff for a seminar at the Manhattan Cocktail Classic, featuring himself and Angus Winchester.
Oh, in this particular distilling method, all they kept was the most heinous of the heads and tails of the run….

This video is really a piece of genius. Most readers of the Cocktailosphere will need no annotation, but I can’t resist a little highlighting. (You probably ought to watch the vid first, as I try not to give away the jokes with my comments.)

• While in the video the customer is an off-duty bartender, not a blogger, I blush to admit I see a good bit of my own behavior in him. At least in the whole sitting at the end of the bar, watching the bartender work like I’m trying to break down the Zapruder film.
• I haven’t personally had any of the whiskey brand mentioned, you hear it specified all the time during Thursday Drink Night….
• I officially offer a prize to the cocktail historian blogger who unearths the recipe for the Gloogelflocken Swizzle. Offer void if I post it here first….
• I suspect the technique for drink making that they discuss may be the Hard Shake. If it isn’t… it should be.
• The customer is obviously not Rick Stutz, as he doesn’t want enough bitters.
• Love the name checks of Baker and Embury. Oh, and I am utterly guilty as charged.
• Two phrases: “A Kardashian” and “black hole”. The they aren’t connected but appear in the same riff. It’s epic.
• I don’t know how Duff or Winchester make their Old Fashioneds, but mine take less time to make than my Cosmopolitan, so it’s the only punchline to fail, at least for me.
• Since I have studiously avoided any mention of the barrel-aging frenzy gripping Cocktailia, I will simply sit back and feel superior to those who have succumbed and are summarily thrashed herein.

Thanks to That’s the Spirit! for the head’s up on the video.