Category: Funny
drinking, Funny, Political Controversies, Rule 4, Whiskey, Whisky

Irish Hipsters Compare Their Booze to America’s

I've got two fun videos that entertain yet say a lot about drinking tastes and booze-making skills on either side of the Atlantic. The first is about beer, and the second is about whiskey vs whisky. In each we watch as a group of Irish hipsters...
So, what's the group word for hipsters? You know, a Murder of crows, a Bloat of hippos, a Congress of Owls...
Heh. A "Congress of owls"... You know, because owls are supposed to be wise, and Congress is, um, demonstrably not.
Yeah! Wait... You're getting me off topic in the middle of my interruption!
Now you know what it feels like!
Harumph. Names like this usually come from what the group is or does, like a Skulk of Jackals. And since a Nuisance of housecats is already taken...
OK. So these videos present us with a Pose of hipsters from Ireland blind-tasting booze. [caption id="attachment_10803" align="aligncenter" width="530"]Frasier T-Shirt in 2015? Yep, they're hipsters. Frasier T-Shirt in 2015? Yep, they're hipsters.[/caption] The first, I found via LikeCool. They take our Pose of Irishpersons two at a time and present them with an American beer in plastic cups. First they get all squee over the quaint, silly American custom of drinking out of cheap, convenient, clean, and safe drinkware. Then, they try Budweiser, High Life, Brooklyn Lager, Coors Light, and Sam Adams. Watch: I was initially surprised about how kind they were to the King of Beers, but only a little. See, here's my own little mental test of a drinker's character, when they start talking about beer. If they trash Budweiser, I know they are a snob with self-awareness issues. Budweiser is the very definition of drinkable, when it comes to fermented grain. No, there is nothing interesting about it, because there is nothing objectionable about it. If you can't enjoy an afternoon drinking a bucket of cold Buds, you have lost the capacity to just enjoy beer. and I feel sorry for you.
Some of you who know Doug are realizing about now that he has judged you in just this way in the past. Now, don't you feel ashamed?
As for the rest, the Miller and the Brooklyn get mocked, the Sam Adams get a little love, and the Coors Light gets exactly what it deserves. It's all fun and games as they mock American beer in every way that is reasonable to the Irish, and quite understandable to Americans. But here's the thing: they know all the beer they are trying is American. It gets a lot more interesting in the second video. Here, our intrepid drinkers are presented with a side-by-side samples of one American and one Irish whisk(e)y, and must choose which they prefer. They pick up little signs to signify their choice. If they see our guy, who-wishes-he-were-a-king-but-isn't-so-suck-it-Barack, they chose the Whiskey, and if they see their pasty white guy, who-totally-isn't-the-Queen-and-we'll-totally-punch-you-in-the-nose-if-you-suggest-he-might-as-well-be, they chose the Whisky. The results? Yeah, Michael Higgins doesn't get a lot of face time. The American's just crush the Irish in this test, folks. [caption id="attachment_10806" align="aligncenter" width="448"]USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA![/caption] To be fair, there isn't a lot of practical applicability to this kind of test. I would personally make the American choice in all three of these comparisons. But. Whenever I walk into a place and the bartender is clearly in the weeds, or just look like they couldn't mix a Rum and Coke without help, I always, always order a Jameson neat. Why? See my comments about Budweiser above. The Irish, they know brown liquor, though it might pain them to acknowledge it in the context of the contest we just watched. Why? Well, re-watch the first four seconds of that second video, or try out this little music video I made back when this blog (and my kids) were new to the world. abc
Funny, Rule 4, science, Vodka

Breakthrough Science! You Can’t Drink Through Your Feet

[caption id="attachment_10401" align="aligncenter" width="550"]Copyright: nobilior / 123RF Stock Photo Feet—You drink with the other end, people![/caption] To follow me on this, you will need to accept two fairly unbelievable things:
  1. There are people in Denmark who spread around the urban myth that if you soak your feet in booze, you will get drunk.
  2. There are scientists in Denmark who a few years back had so much free time that they conducted a scientific study to determine this myth's validity, then wrote up their findings and published them.
The world is full of urban myths. (Once upon a time, when we were less urban, we called them old wives' tales. But now we call them urban myths, because most folks live in cities, and punk kids have outstripped old wives in the too much time on their hands and wild speculation departments.) Often, urban myths spread from their nation of origin to other cities around the world, with hipsters as the primary vector, I believe. The pedal dipsomania myth seems to have remained isolated in Denmark. This isolation could be a subject of some study as well. I suspect a possible result would be a recommendation to skew national IQ tables to decrease all recorded IQs of Danes by ten.
Heck, while we're at it, let's dock everybody from Norway, Sweden, and Finland by five, just for being fellow Scandinavians.
Sorry he did that drive-by to friends, Tiare, but this is about Science™. Anyway, I think I'm far enough into this post that I won't spoil things by revealing that they found that no, you cannot get drunk through your feet. So how did Doctors Hansen, Færch, and Kristensen determine this breakthrough discovery? First, they experimented on themselves, in the grand, selfless humanitarian tradition of Jonas Salk. Our scientific heroes/guinea pigs performed their test by sitting around for three hours with their bare feet soaking in a tub of Slovakian vodka. The primary metric was BAC:
...Blood samples were taken to the laboratory for immediate analysis by the study nurse (and) measured as soon as possible in case of rapid and potentially fatal increases....
Selfless risk-takers in the name of science they may have been, but I'm glad they made sure to be as safe as possible. (Though to be fair, they appear to have been pretty cavalier about the far greater possibility of laughter-induced herniation in the nurse when he or she was told of the protocol for this experiment.) But wait, this was a rigorous study! A single measurement of drunkenness was insufficient for our intrepid trio. Perhaps this foot-ingested intoxication is undetectable in the bloodstream.
Hey, that makes as much sense as claiming that "toe chugging" will get you drunk in the first place!
The additional metrics were a mix of factual observation and self-evaluation, to wit: Self-confidence, the urge to talk, and spontaneous hugs. The results are represented in the following chart: Vodka Through the Feet Results Alas, in these measures as well, the mysterious foot-ingested, bloodstream-avoiding intoxicating effects were essentially invisible. [caption id="attachment_10404" align="aligncenter" width="550"]2011-10-busted "But I do question how it is that we haven't done a show segment on this yet...."[/caption] The discussion section of the paper outlines some conclusions of various degrees of usefulness, ranging from "Driving or leading a vessel with boots full of vodka seems to be safe", to "Importantly, students experimenting with transcutaneous alcohol absorption should move on to more relevant activities."
When you translate that last one from Faculty to English, you get "Go out to a bar, have a drink, and meet some people. You will never get laid sitting around a lab with your bare feet soaking in booze. And if your wise-ass roommate has filled your shoes with Aquavit, don't worry. It's still safe to drive." My Faculty is a bit rusty, so I just copy and pasted that directly from Google Translate....
I do want to note that this study, while new to me, is Old™. I got it from Seriously Science's Flashback Friday. I'll leave you with an expansion on the scary thought with which they finish their introduction. I'm not sure about the development-to-market time-frame in the infused spirits industry, but if anyone in the vodka biz reads this piece, we could be seeing this ad any damn day now.... [caption id="attachment_10411" align="aligncenter" width="550"]Pinnacle Fødder Vodka Sorry Pinnacle, but you deserve this for making me live in the same world as Cupcake-flavored vodka.[/caption] (Seriously, in all honesty these scientists are geniuses. They richly deserved an igNobel Prize for this. They were clearly angling for one, and it is a crime that they lost out to the guys who studied why some patients literally explode during
Bartenders, Funny, Rule 2

The Academic-Cocktail Joke Nexus

Via @BenK84 this morning, I discovered a wonderful Reddit thread containing all sorts of academic-related jokes. As a bonus, most of them are really funny. As another bonus, I learned that in academic humor today, mathematicians occupy the same role that polish folk did in low-brow humor about fifty years ago. As you can read in these three jokes from the very top of the thread, the chief difference is that mathematicians likely deserve the "honor"...
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying overnight in a hotel. During the night a fire breaks out. The engineer wakes up, walks out into the hallway, and sees the fire. The engineer grabs a fire extinguisher and puts the fire out. Later that night the fire breaks out again, but this time the physicist wakes up. The physicist walks out into the hallway and sees the fire. After calculating ambient temperature and air pressure, the physicist puts out the fire. Later that night, the mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoldering embers. The mathematician walks out into the hall, and thinks for a minute. The mathematician then rekindles the fire from the embers, and goes back to bed satisfied that the problem has been reduced to a previously solved one.
A guy greeted his mathmetician friend at an airport, after catching up he said "So how did you get over your fear of flying?" The mathmetician responded "Well as you know I'm scared senseless of the thought of a terrorist being onboard, the chances of that happeneing are 1/10000 and I dont like those odds, so I merely put the odds in my favour" The guy asked "How did you do that?" The mathmetician opened his briefcase revealing a bomb, "The chances of two terrorists being on board a plane are 1/10000000"
Doug, why are you telling math jokes on your cocktail blog? The drunks that visit here will all be confused.
Because there are also some great jokes about scientists, and especially mathematicians, walking into a bar.
An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After the 7th order the bartender pours 2 beers and says, "you fellas ought to know your limits."
Give yourself an extra day to pay off your student loans if you got that one!
The thread of replies to these jokes are often beautiful, too. For example, in response to this joke, we get a normal person's version of the joke:
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer, and the bartender tells him that you can't order half a beer.
And, since many bartenders are terribly over-educated and understand and enjoy this sort of nonsense themselves, here is a real bartender's version of the joke:
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After the 7th order the bartender says, "fuck off you little pricks."
OK. I just wanted to share some ha ha today. Go back about your business. And one last one for the road, to make sure you know the jokes at the thread cover all genres: "Your momma is so mean, she has no standard deviation."abc
Bartenders, Broads, Eggs, Funny, Rule 4, Rule 5

The Perfect Gift to NOT Give the Cocktail Lover in Your Life

Grabbing Hand by ISOStock at DeviantArt
A "Helping Hand"
Image via ISOStock
Obviously, I'm not talking about giving an actual hand to the cocktail lover in your life for Christmas. Even if they were tragically missing one, the medical science isn't there yet to help. I will note that hands (unless we are talking of Gaz Regan's Negroni-stirring finger) are not actual bar tools anyway. You are supposed to use your hands to manipulate tools to do things like prepare ingredients. For example, you put your limes in a juicer to extract the juice. It is messy, imprecise, and wasteful to just use your fingers. This brings us closer to where I'm going...
What the Hell are you up to, Doug? You often take your time reaching the lede, but you are beating around the bush than usual.
Funny you should put it that way. But yeah, this is going to take some discretion. I'm going to show you a video next, a video for making a "Macho Mojito". Deep within this beautifully lit and shot little how-to there lies a horrifyingly, hilariously deep level of wrong. So very, very wrong. The audio isn't the best, so it may be hard to hear the relevant information when it appears. Pay close attention when the little snifter on the left comes into play.... Whether you've watched it or not, let's break this exhibition of very special mixology down, shall we? Consider this in the vein of the master of bar video fisking, Jeffrey Morgenthaler. 1. To make your Mojito, start with a couple of messy barspoons of granulated sugar... because that is so easy to dissolve. 2. Squeeze in your limes by hand? Trust me, pretty soon you aren't going to want this guy's hands touching ingredients for any drink he's making for you.... 3.
Gonna add the rum... I like mine strong.
Um, yeah. I think we are all going to need a strong drink here shortly. And I don't really rate that pour as all that strong, to be honest. 4.
Then we'll mash it all up.
The thing we learn here is to oh so gently tamp down your mint and sugar. If you got in there and used any agitation or pressure at all, you might actually dissolve some of the sugar! Worse, you might bruise the mint, and this dude is muddling like he's afraid to piss off that mint. 5.
And now we're going to add some powdered sugar to the semen.
[Sound of phonograph needle being dragged across a record]
Yup. Semen. The mixologist producing this drink is Paul Photenhauer, author of Semenology - The Semen Bartender's Handbook. Yes, it is real. Click the link. It will take you to the Amazon page for this book. But do not give this book to your cocktail enthusiast friend...
Unless you have a very specific message to send, that is!
You are not helping, Guy. In other news, don't worry my foodie readers, Photenhauer has got you covered too, with a gift not to give this Christmas. Congratulations, you've finally dug down to the well-buried lede of this post. I'm sorry, but Spoogetails are just a very bad idea, for all sorts of reasons. To begin with, Semen cocktails? Really? Disclaimer: I personally am not a consumer of semen (shocking to those who know me as this might be). I thus have no personal experience with its taste. But my sources tell me that for those who do enjoy the occasional loving spoonful, it is really about inducing the production, rather than the end product.... Further, the mixology of this particular drink is just all wrong from a technical standpoint. You see, what they are whipping up in that little snifter is a protein foam, very similar in chemical construction to how a bartender would employ an egg white. Foams are great in certain cocktails, but they have no place in a light, carbonated drink like a Mojito. I'd suggest you use this stuff in something where you are looking for a richer mouthfeel.... It is the holidays, so perhaps you could make an eggnog with this stuff replacing the chemically very similar egg white foam?
How about a Ramos Gin Jizz?
Oh. My. God! Stop encouraging him!
Actually, that would work. The point is that if you were to employ this rather dubious ingredient, at least do it in a way that is culinarily and chemically sound.
You are really going into the science of semen?
Hey, I once wrote that bringing along Gaz Regan would be the secret to a successful Mars mission. We think deep thoughts here at the Pegu Blog, lady. But this brings us to the third problem with this ingredient, it doesn't make for much of a trend unless professionals are going to serve them in bars. The implications here only get worse. Today's cocktail enthusiast demands fresh, um, squeezed ingredients. We are looking at a pretty fundamental shift in the nature of the barback's job here, folks! Further, say we put Guy's Ramos Gin Jizz on the menu, and they grow, God forbid, popular? Hearkening back to the original, will bars that serve this have to go back to the line of ten strapping young men behind the bartender, er, shaking for all they are worth, one after the other, to produce....
Stop! Just stop! I refuse to be a part of this any longer. Wrap it up, Writer Boy.
Why are you so against this, dear? I'd think you could be a big help with....
Are you really wanting to piss me off? Is it truly your intent to make this, of all things, a subject that I angrily reject?
Hey Doug! You're going to edit out this last exchange, right?
Sure, Guy. Whatever you say. abc