Tag - Funny

1
The Perfect Gift to NOT Give the Cocktail Lover in Your Life
2
Fun With Liquid Nitrogen… And Probably Death, Too
3
2013 Tweet of the Year
4
Cognac Oil and Nuclear Weapons
5
SideBlog: That’s It. Time to Give Up.
6
Clint Eastwood Guest-Vlogs Here

The Perfect Gift to NOT Give the Cocktail Lover in Your Life

Grabbing Hand by ISOStock at DeviantArt
A “Helping Hand”
Image via ISOStock

Obviously, I’m not talking about giving an actual hand to the cocktail lover in your life for Christmas. Even if they were tragically missing one, the medical science isn’t there yet to help. I will note that hands (unless we are talking of Gaz Regan’s Negroni-stirring finger) are not actual bar tools anyway. You are supposed to use your hands to manipulate tools to do things like prepare ingredients. For example, you put your limes in a juicer to extract the juice. It is messy, imprecise, and wasteful to just use your fingers. This brings us closer to where I’m going…

What the Hell are you up to, Doug?
You often take your time reaching the lede, but you are beating around the bush than usual.

Funny you should put it that way. But yeah, this is going to take some discretion.

I’m going to show you a video next, a video for making a “Macho Mojito”. Deep within this beautifully lit and shot little how-to there lies a horrifyingly, hilariously deep level of wrong.
So very, very wrong.
The audio isn’t the best, so it may be hard to hear the relevant information when it appears. Pay close attention when the little snifter on the left comes into play….

Whether you’ve watched it or not, let’s break this exhibition of very special mixology down, shall we? Consider this in the vein of the master of bar video fisking, Jeffrey Morgenthaler.

1.
To make your Mojito, start with a couple of messy barspoons of granulated sugar… because that is so easy to dissolve.

2.
Squeeze in your limes by hand? Trust me, pretty soon you aren’t going to want this guy’s hands touching ingredients for any drink he’s making for you….

3.

Gonna add the rum… I like mine strong.

Um, yeah. I think we are all going to need a strong drink here shortly. And I don’t really rate that pour as all that strong, to be honest.

4.

Then we’ll mash it all up.

The thing we learn here is to oh so gently tamp down your mint and sugar. If you got in there and used any agitation or pressure at all, you might actually dissolve some of the sugar! Worse, you might bruise the mint, and this dude is muddling like he’s afraid to piss off that mint.

5.

And now we’re going to add some powdered sugar to the semen.

[Sound of phonograph needle being dragged across a record]

!

!

Yup. Semen. The mixologist producing this drink is Paul Photenhauer, author of Semenology – The Semen Bartender’s Handbook. Yes, it is real. Click the link. It will take you to the Amazon page for this book. But do not give this book to your cocktail enthusiast friend…

Unless you have a very specific message to send, that is!

You are not helping, Guy.
In other news, don’t worry my foodie readers, Photenhauer has got you covered too, with a gift not to give this Christmas.

Congratulations, you’ve finally dug down to the well-buried lede of this post. I’m sorry, but Spoogetails are just a very bad idea, for all sorts of reasons.

To begin with, Semen cocktails? Really?
Disclaimer: I personally am not a consumer of semen (shocking to those who know me as this might be). I thus have no personal experience with its taste. But my sources tell me that for those who do enjoy the occasional loving spoonful, it is really about inducing the production, rather than the end product….

Further, the mixology of this particular drink is just all wrong from a technical standpoint. You see, what they are whipping up in that little snifter is a protein foam, very similar in chemical construction to how a bartender would employ an egg white. Foams are great in certain cocktails, but they have no place in a light, carbonated drink like a Mojito. I’d suggest you use this stuff in something where you are looking for a richer mouthfeel…. It is the holidays, so perhaps you could make an eggnog with this stuff replacing the chemically very similar egg white foam?

How about a Ramos Gin Jizz?

Oh. My. God!
Stop encouraging him!

Actually, that would work. The point is that if you were to employ this rather dubious ingredient, at least do it in a way that is culinarily and chemically sound.

You are really going into the science of semen?

Hey, I once wrote that bringing along Gaz Regan would be the secret to a successful Mars mission. We think deep thoughts here at the Pegu Blog, lady.

But this brings us to the third problem with this ingredient, it doesn’t make for much of a trend unless professionals are going to serve them in bars. The implications here only get worse. Today’s cocktail enthusiast demands fresh, um, squeezed ingredients. We are looking at a pretty fundamental shift in the nature of the barback’s job here, folks!
Further, say we put Guy’s Ramos Gin Jizz on the menu, and they grow, God forbid, popular? Hearkening back to the original, will bars that serve this have to go back to the line of ten strapping young men behind the bartender, er, shaking for all they are worth, one after the other, to produce….

Stop!
Just stop! I refuse to be a part of this any longer.
Wrap it up, Writer Boy.

Why are you so against this, dear?
I’d think you could be a big help with….

Are you really wanting to piss me off?
Is it truly your intent to make this, of all things, a subject that I angrily reject?

Hey Doug!
You’re going to edit out this last exchange, right?

Sure, Guy. Whatever you say.

Fun With Liquid Nitrogen… And Probably Death, Too

From Gizmodo comes this video, 10 Things to Do at a Birthday Party With Liquid Nitrogen from The King of Random. I’ve embedded it here, but before you watch it, be aware that this video is:

  1. Fun.
  2. Possibly the most evil thing I have seen on the web this month, and I’ve been reading about Assad.


Like most evil, it starts out all fun and games.

Ice Cream
Cool….

Number ten is pretty straightforward. It gives a pretty good rundown on how to make ice cream like Dippin’ Dots—sure to appeal to those of us with dot-crazed offspring. Nothing evil about it. (Other than the deadly sin of Sloth, since it advocates just melting down Neapolitan ice cream instead of making your batch from scratch.)

May I add that I think Neapolitan ice cream itself is a sin…?

But the evil start already with number nine. Just a few hints, but it is there. You see a living human being poking at a marshmallow that is floating in a cup of liquid nitrogen. Poking it under the surface! Do not go sticking your bare… anything into containers of liquid nitrogen!

Marshmallow
No.

Number eight… I got nothing. Number eight is just flat out cool. Number seven is pretty much… eh, which lowers your defenses for the first real dark bugle call of evil in number six. You think that this is pretty banal stuff.

Number six is the first place where the vigilant viewer may get an idea that maybe this whole video is one giant evil plot. “Chips that bite back”. Evil likes to be sure to be able to say afterwords that you should have known

Chips Breath
No!

Number five is more of an evil digression. Look at the edges of that can. I feel like I’m going to bleed out just looking at that.

[13-09-20 144011] 10 Things To Do at a Birthday Party with Liquid Nitrogen! - YouTube
Ouch…. And, no.

Then there is four.

Fire!
Hell no!

Where in all that’s holy did that come from? Just saying, “maybe you should do this one outside,” is not enough!
I’m not sure saying, “maybe you should do this one with ten foot robot arms,” is enough.
I’m tempted to say that number four wins the award for most ill-advised thing suggested by the internet, ever. But as you’ve noted, we are only at number four

Numbers three and two are cute tricks, and again you relax, thinking, “Ah! We’re wrapping up with some actually almost doable at a party things!” You would be wrong.

You would be so very, very wrong.

Shoot!
No. No. No!
Don’t you f’n put that in your mouth!

Spoiler alert, if you haven’t watched the video yet. He puts it in his mouth. If you want to blow smoke, just take up cigarettes. They are a million times safer.

Look, I am a huge opponent of America’s modern obsession with safety warnings. When you have too damn many warnings on a product, they will all become meaningless, and you get this effect:
7a5e093aead6c3cc32da71eb6ad8dfb1
We also have warnings so ridiculous, it makes you feel retarded just by being of the same species as whoever decided it needed to be a warning. When I traveled to England, I saw many things that I enjoyed or that warmed my heart. But I saw nothing that moved me more than that on product after product, and dangerous ledge after rickety bridge, the usual litany of useless warnings were replaced by the simple admonition to “Use Sensible Precautions”.

This pet peeve of mine means I’m usually hostile to having my time wasted with silly admonitions about “Don’t Try This at Home”, especially when included at the start of videos or articles with How To… in the title. But in this case… holy mother of God!

Idea number one is straight up doing shots of liquid nitrogen! There are quite literally no circumstances under which you should try this. None. If you want to commit suicide, sawing at your neck with a dull, rusty knife would be less gruesome or painful than what could happen with that little shot glass of cryo-juice. This segment doesn’t need a warning about not trying at home, it needs a big splash page that says: “Set up a Google Alert for this guy’s name, and ‘accidental death’. You’ll get a hit real soon, promise.”

Really, if you have somehow read all this and not watched the video, please do so. It is really cool. But please, if you get a hold of some liquid nitrogen and try out one or two of the simpler, only marginally lethal tricks shown, do not let that convince you to go the next step down that path to evil. I need the readers.

2013 Tweet of the Year

The funniest, least fair, yet most insightful booze tweet of 2013 so far: “Vodka Expert. That’s like saying you write children’s books, right?”

Cognac Oil and Nuclear Weapons

Over at Art of Drink this month, Darcy dons his white lab coat for some cocktail mad science. Entitled Cognac Oil, his post is an entertaining look at employing some non-traditional ingredients, such as the titular essential oil, to create a non-alcoholic drink that tastes like, well, a drink. It’s a fun post, with some great opportunities for drink-geeking out.

I’m not going to rehash what he does to make his drink. It’s his post, so go read it on his site. The link will open a new tab, so go on. I’ll be here when you get back because I want to talk about why you should be interested.

In his introduction, Darcy touches on this with what he calls his “buzz management concept”. This is something every responsible drinker does in one way or another, and with varying degrees of conscious effort. Simply put, if you want your evening to last long, and end well, you need to drink just enough of the right strength of drinks to let the alcohol take effect… without taking over. For a variety of reasons, this can be difficult.

You can always nurse your drink, but with possible exception of red wine, this is almost always unsatisfactory. The great Savoy barman Harry Craddock famously said, “The way to drink a cocktail is quickly, while it is still laughing at you.” Nurse a cocktail, and it gets warm. It was designed and balanced for consumption cold, and almost no up drink will taste as good once it starts to warm. Nurse a rocks drink and it may stay cold, but it will get watery. Ditto on the effects on the flavor there.

You could just go home (or go to bed if you are already there) the moment you reach your safe, effective limit. The less said about this ridiculous option, the better. The chief benefit of social drinking is the social bit. If you shut down just when things get good,you might as well have just curled up with a good book instead. It’s cheaper.

You can always mix in something non-alcoholic between in each round. Some suggest a glass of water between each drink as a way to slow you down and keep you hydrated to ward off some of the hangover. But water is boring, and well fish f*ck in it. You could try a “mocktail” or Preggatini, but I find them usually unsuitable for this task. Many are delicious, but usually they are far too sweet, and almost none offer the balance and depth of a good mixed drink. Very few non-alcoholic concoctions offer any reward if you take a moment to ignore a boring stretch of the conversation and just savor your third sip.

Fixing this last is what Darcy is trying to accomplish with his cognac-esque no or low-alcohol cocktail: An evening extender that you can consume in like manner to a full throttle one. This is a worthy goal, and one every ambitious bartender on Earth should work on too.

Face it folks, booze is a powerful thing. Too much will result in, at best, a bad morning and some embarrassment. But enough, especially if you maintain the right balance between consumption and metabolization, is even more powerful. Moderate drinkers may be more intelligent, and are certainly more creative. Drink well, and rule the world. Drunk too much, and destroy it. Darcy’s just trying to save the world, folks.

I’ll leave you with this little cautionary tale about the power of being just exactly one and a half drinks in, which Darcy’s post led me to recall. (Not safe for work because of mild language and your loud laughter.)

SideBlog: That’s It. Time to Give Up.

The best cocktail post ever; overpowering recipes and photography! Give it up fellow cocktail bloggers. We’ll never equal this.

Clint Eastwood Guest-Vlogs Here


So, Clint Eastwood showed up at the Republican National Convention last night to endorse Mitt Romney… and The Pegu Blog ensued.
Read More

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