Category: Rule 5
Tiki Month 2014
Rule 5

Safety In Paradise

OK, I hesitate to claim that Air New Zealand is "in" for Tiki Month, as I was legitimately able to do with Frankie's Tiki Room, but I'm gonna suggest it. They posted this, their new cabin safety video, in February after all! And it shows some of the most beautiful tropical island scenery of the Cook Islands I've seen, so I want to post it.
Tropical island scenery? There are islands in this video? Can't say as how I noticed. That said, I will grant that the scenery is pretty awesome.
What are you on about? There are the fabulous Cook Islands. There are flower leis. There are... Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover models... OK. I get your point. Come on. I gotta shoehorn in some Rule 5 at some point in every Tiki Month. After all, as I have chronicled heretofore, Tiki is about (among other things) guilt-free sex! And to my female readership, don't worry. Air New Zealand is an equal opportunity outfit. There is a special guest appearance (they have special guest appearances in airline safety videos now?) by Christie Brinkley, who in addition to being quite the Mikana Añejo herself, seems to be there to remind everyone that Los Angeles is the Air New Zealand destination with the hottest pool boys. I must say that it is interesting the way that Air New Zealand is turning the safety talk into a revenue opportunity. But celebrating the 50th Anniversary of the Swimsuit Edition immediately after the prior celebration is kind of a jarring change in the amount of hair. Good to see they both manage to make the life vest inflation segment into a dirty joke. Bear Grylls (thank God) didn't get that memo in his version.... abc
Rule 5

It Be Once Again International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Cocktail Pirate Flag Animated
Pegu Pirate Flag created with ABFlags
Yarrr, Mateys! September 19th be here again, which means it be International Talk Like a Pirate Day™! And I'll be keelhauled fore I be missin' out on the festivities. A blogger's pirate's career be, almost by definition, a spotty one, wi' periods of inactivity due to laziness excessive interest by the British Navy (ptooie!), but I have yet to be missing an ITLAPD, and I'll be hornswoggled if this year be any different! Let's be swingin' into our reel with this fantastical video from Distort. These two swabbies' pirate schtick be a mite lubberly, but it shows promise. Per'aps I should have the crew give 'em the cosh and "invite" them to join our merry band.... What isn't lubberly is the fantastic tiny cannon they've constructed, nor the slo-motion footage they have of it trying to sink a pirate vessel. They could use a bit of help with the editing o' their introduction. Aside from the pirate material, it is a bit long, but don't let that barnacle bottom heave ye off from watching the whole thing. It be worth it! If that only whets yer appetite fer all things cannon this happy day, I'll gift ye two more links. The first be a down in the hold look at how to be makin' such a fine beauty of a brass cannon, though this one be a mite bigger, and with no pirate prattling at all, more's the pity. The second be the construction of a wee bit more Hollywood pirate-looking cannon, that alas doesn't actually fire. The maker does be meritin' big points fer his pirate robot though, arrr! abc
Rule 5

Rule 5 Booze Marketing Jumps the Shark

Excuse the crude Photoshop, but there are literally no photos from the manufacturer of this product that I can use, even on this blog. I think. We'll see. It will come as no surprise to any sentient adult that makers of alcoholic beverages have used sex from time to time to sell their product. Rule 5 is more often employed with selling booze (especially beer) than even in in blogging. Sexually charged images of attractive people draw attention. I guess I should be surprised it has taken this long for the industry to strap on water skis and jump that shark, but jump it it has. I've thought it had done so before, with Cabana cachaça, then again with Ron de Jeremy, but I was wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you G Spirit rum, whisky, and vodka. That link goes to the website, but be warned it is not remotely safe for work. What distinguishes G Spirit spirits, beside naked pictures of topless women showing off the, ahem, product? Well, below is a picture from the company. Understand, this photo depicts the production process! And yeah, I cropped hell out of it. Click for a bigger, but still cropped version. If you visit the G Spirit website, you will not be able to avoid seeing it uncropped. Yup, the thing about G Spirit is, every drop was poured over the naked body of the master distiller you see above before bottling. Actually, just the rum is poured over Miss Amina Malakona there. There are equally, um, qualified young ladies who sluice off the whisky and the vodka. And yes, each bottle comes with a photograph to authenticate the process! I have no chance to see what any of these spirits taste like personally, as they are not yet available in the US. I can tell you that, for instance, G Whisky No. 1 boasts that its "versatile flavours range from roasted almonds, dried fruit, and toffee, to honey, vanilla, baked apples and cinnamon", as well as the breasts of 2012 Hungarian Playmate of the Year, Alexa Varga. Part of her prize for winning that honor was to be immediately flown to Germany to have 5000 bottles of scotch poured over her boobies. I confess that even if I had access to a bottle of this stuff, I could probably pick out and confirm the vanilla, apples, and cinnamon flavors, but I could not vouch for Miss Varga's breasts. Well, I've been to their website, so I can sure vouch for them, but I mean I could not vouch for the taste of... Oh God, never mind. The rum is an 11 year blend, the whisky a 12 year single malt, and the vodka is a sextuple(har!)-distilled barley distillate. I managed with great effort to discover that there are words on the website as well as all the pictures, and those words are all the right ones to use to describe these types of spirits. Caveat emptor. I would usually embed G Spirit's product video here at the end, but it is every bit as Not. Safe. For. Work. as the rest of their website. Here is the link should you wish to research the unique details of their actual production process. The apparatus includes a big hose and a glass basin, and it can be seen after the 4:10 mark, if you want to skip all the tedious footage of the photoshoots with the models.... I suspect there were fist-fights at the Heath Department over which inspector got assigned to supervise the production. I gotta ask, have any of my European readers tried this yet?abc
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