I haven’t scraped someone else’s list for a post in a while, but DrinkPlanner’s 10 Commandments of Drinking Like a Man is both clever and (inadvertently I’m sure) insightful. Like most such lists, I love a few, would twist a few more, and blow my nose at others.
Thou Shalt Learn to Enjoy Whisk(e)y – Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Tennessee whiskey and every other form of the drink shall heretofore be your best buddy….
heretofore??? doesn’t he mean henceforth? Let me get this straight. You are quoting a list with a major gramatical error? Have you no standards?
No. No I don’t.
Sorry DrinkPlanner, she’s a grammar nazi. But she’s a great broad (defined at least in part as a woman who drinks like a man whenever she damn well feels like it), so she probably drinks as much whisk(e)y as I do. Which isn’t that much. The brown liquors are for me a drink that reflects my mood. I have to be feeling particularly languid or depressed to go there.
Thou Shalt Not Consume Drinks With Idiotic Gimmicky Names Meant to Cover Up How Girly They Are – So help me God, if I see any of you jackasses out there with a Sex on the Beach or a Screw Me Blue in your hands, I’ll slap it to the ground and eat your worthless soul….
A) These names don’t cover anything up. At least they are honest in advertising the exact intentions of the
man who is ordering or even drinking them.
B) You forgot the Pink Panty Pulldown in your list of offenders.
The Way You Treat Bartenders and Waitstaff Says More About You Than You Know
Truer words hath not been spoken. Nuff said.
He of course has others on his list, or it wouldn’t be ten commandments, now would it? Go read them there.
Or stick with me, and I’ll add a few of my own.
- Shots Are For Special Occasions If you are the only one doing shots (and especially if you are the only one there), you are not drinking like a man, you are drinking like a drunk. So shoot in groups, and not often, as they get out of hand. Remember, payday is not a special occasion.
- Wine Is Always And Only Made From Grapes
Q. What was the precious trade secret bequeathed by the dying wine maker to his assembled family?
Wine can also be made from grapes.
—Everyday Drinking, the Distilled Kingsley Amis
The King was talking about really crappy ordinary wine, but I am talking about all wine. Men do not drink wine made from fruits other than grapes. They. Just. Don’t.