- Possibly the most evil thing I have seen on the web this month, and I’ve been reading about Assad.
Like most evil, it starts out all fun and games.
Number ten is pretty straightforward. It gives a pretty good rundown on how to make ice cream like Dippin’ Dots—sure to appeal to those of us with dot-crazed offspring. Nothing evil about it. (Other than the deadly sin of Sloth, since it advocates just melting down Neapolitan ice cream instead of making your batch from scratch.)
May I add that I think Neapolitan ice cream itself is a sin…?
But the evil start already with number nine. Just a few hints, but it is there. You see a living human being poking at a marshmallow that is floating in a cup of liquid nitrogen. Poking it under the surface! Do not go sticking your bare… anything into containers of liquid nitrogen!
Number eight… I got nothing. Number eight is just flat out cool. Number seven is pretty much… eh, which lowers your defenses for the first real dark bugle call of evil in number six. You think that this is pretty banal stuff.
Number six is the first place where the vigilant viewer may get an idea that maybe this whole video is one giant evil plot. “Chips that bite back”. Evil likes to be sure to be able to say afterwords that you should have known…
Number five is more of an evil digression. Look at the edges of that can. I feel like I’m going to bleed out just looking at that.
Then there is four.
Where in all that’s holy did that come from? Just saying, “maybe you should do this one outside,” is not enough!
I’m not sure saying, “maybe you should do this one with ten foot robot arms,” is enough.
I’m tempted to say that number four wins the award for most ill-advised thing suggested by the internet, ever. But as you’ve noted, we are only at number four…
Numbers three and two are cute tricks, and again you relax, thinking, “Ah! We’re wrapping up with some actually almost doable at a party things!” You would be wrong.
You would be so very, very wrong.
Spoiler alert, if you haven’t watched the video yet. He puts it in his mouth. If you want to blow smoke, just take up cigarettes. They are a million times safer.
Look, I am a huge opponent of America’s modern obsession with safety warnings. When you have too damn many warnings on a product, they will all become meaningless, and you get this effect:
We also have warnings so ridiculous, it makes you feel retarded just by being of the same species as whoever decided it needed to be a warning. When I traveled to England, I saw many things that I enjoyed or that warmed my heart. But I saw nothing that moved me more than that on product after product, and dangerous ledge after rickety bridge, the usual litany of useless warnings were replaced by the simple admonition to “Use Sensible Precautions”.
This pet peeve of mine means I’m usually hostile to having my time wasted with silly admonitions about “Don’t Try This at Home”, especially when included at the start of videos or articles with How To… in the title. But in this case… holy mother of God!
Idea number one is straight up doing shots of liquid nitrogen! There are quite literally no circumstances under which you should try this. None. If you want to commit suicide, sawing at your neck with a dull, rusty knife would be less gruesome or painful than what could happen with that little shot glass of cryo-juice. This segment doesn’t need a warning about not trying at home, it needs a big splash page that says: “Set up a Google Alert for this guy’s name, and ‘accidental death’. You’ll get a hit real soon, promise.”
Really, if you have somehow read all this and not watched the video, please do so. It is really cool. But please, if you get a hold of some liquid nitrogen and try out one or two of the simpler, only marginally lethal tricks shown, do not let that convince you to go the next step down that path to evil. I need the readers.